Getting over it and trying to find some Christmas spirit....somewhere...

I seriously need to get over it. I have been thinking non-stop about all those moms who seemingly have everything together. You know, the ones who have their hair did and makeup on...and cute clothes. I look down at my stained shirt and scraggly hair, and the 6 new wrinkle dents I've gotten in the last two years, I think WHY do some people look so much younger and fresher than I do?? I guess it's genetics or just people being able to ask for help, better lists, being able to let go of stupid stuff, or maybe just all of the above. I feel like a complete failure every single day and I'm so scared that I'm not doing the best job at shaping these two little humans the best way I can. I guess everyone sucks from time to time and what I really need to do is give myself a break. No one is perfect, even though it appears so. One thing I really need to do is give myself some ME time. Find the things that make me happy and do my best to do them well. That might be the key to my self acceptance, my release, my "perfection." On a different note.... Being that you girls and I have been sick for a collective three weeks now, I'm surprised that I have been able to get ANYthing done. I, of course, have ideas shooting out of my head at all times so there were a few that had to be lasso-ed back for a later time. The worst thing ever is having a sickness plague a house during the holidays. What is super surprising to me is that I was able to decorate for Christmas, and do the things I had already planned before that disgusting virus took us over. Go me. Only problem is that I'm SPENT. I was able to run for the first time since Thanksgiving week, but I'm just SO tired. Y'all are feeling fine, playing as usual. We went to the doctor on Monday and Hayden was cleared of her Croup and her ear infections, thank goodness! I was so worried about you for days with your barking and having such a hard time breathing. I hope we never go through that again. Natalie is STILL coughing. Doctor said she's fine, and that it just takes time. SO doesn't feel that way!! I want all of it gone, gone....GONE. Last year Natalie threw up and was sick on christmas morning and now we are dealing with this. I'm hoping that everyone is 100% healthy this Christmas because it just breaks my heart when they aren't feeling well on a normal day. I don't want there extra special day ruined by some nasty school house bug! :( I wish I could take Natalie out of school next week and just keep her in the bubble of our home, but that's just, well...weird. I'm trying to find the holiday spirit by watching a Christmas movie a day and listening to Bing Crosby as much as possible. The older versions of all my favorite Christmas songs are the absolute best. I love this holiday so, so much...I always have. I remember begging my mom to get the decorations out as soon as we got home from my Granny's house on Thanksgiving (she always had at least one tree decorated and lit for us). Now with my own kids I'm always striving to make their house a wonderland of santas and snowmen. The holiday means different things to different people. For me it's the feeling of coziness and warmth on Christmas Eve. The family togetherness and laughter, soft christmas music, twinkling lights. I've felt that way since I was a kid. Now I can add my girls' excitement to the mix, eagerly listening for Santa's sleigh bells. It's a special night...and I think, I just found a little bit of Christmas spirit in all my memories, past and pressent. :)

Thanksgiving Week and Starry Christmas!

Oh my girls....you have been sick for over a week now. I don't know why it takes SOOOOOOOO long to leave your little bodies, but now...Mom has it. :( It feels pretty crappy so I'm sorry you've had to go through this. I feel like I'm drowning in green snot and I don't have enough towels to wipe your crusty, red noses! One thing I cannot get used to is the sad whining. Whereas I'm trying to be as patient as a sick mom can be, the whining seems relentless. I know you can't help it and you are looking for extra special mommy time so I'm sorry. :( Starry Christmas arrived on Friday morning looking quite fabulous, as usual. ;) He got Natalie so excited that she woke up at 5:30am to see him! She never wakes up that early...but she came into our room and Daddy and I couldn't go back to sleep! yikes...that was a rough one. She eventually fell asleep on the couch...

Hayden didn't remember him from last year, but she's starting to stare at and talk to him more. "Nigh, night, Starryyyyyyyyyy!" :) So that's cute. Yesterday was a rough one for all of us, so Starry left a message to "Be Good" and remind us all that he is watching and reporting the the Big Guy. ;)

I pulled out all the christmas decorations yesterday, basically to see what all I had and decide on what new projects I wanted to do. I started making our new stockings, and they are turning out so cute! To think I almost threw in the towel on a project I've wanted to do for years. :) Yay for perseverance. :) Anyway, hoping that we all feel better pronto, cause I don't love this right now. XO my little boogies. Mom

Post Halloween

It's been way too long since my last post. Here is the recap of your Halloween! You both were so excited about Halloween this year. :) I had a great idea for Natalie's costume (a super thunderstorm---since you love the weather) but she asked if that could be next year and THIS year be Repunzel. So I went ahead with that and bought her the wig and costume way ahead of my normal schedule (which is very much last minute). I did get to make her crown, so that made me happy. Hayden's costume was pretty simple to come up with and to make. Cookie Monster! I made it super fancy with sparkly tulle and a cookie crown. SO adorable! You even did that cookie monster growl..."nom nom nom nom" fingers in mouth. :) LOVE.

Of course Mommy had to get in on the costume fun! Tooth Fairy was my last minute decision and I had to work fast and furious to get my tutu and accessories made. good thing I had the wig and other things on hand already. :) SO fun! Y'all loved it. Trick or treat-ing wasn't very fun, unfortunately. :( Natalie got so scared by the second house because of the "sounds" coming from the spooky decorations. Crying, frozen solid and eventually knocking over sister. SO...Daddy took you home. You didn't seem to mind too much and actually really enjoyed handing out all the candy. Natalie, you made it known that THAT was going to be your job every year. :) I just want you happy so you can do whatever you want. I will not force anything. I was petrified of Halloween as a kid, but ironically I love it now. Hayden had a blast going from house to house and at the last house got pretzels, so she was in total bliss! She would say "tick teat" and "haaaa halloweeeen" :) Aaaaa-dorable. The Saturday before Halloween we visited our pumpkin patch. It wasn't the "greatest" experience because y'all were sick. It ended up being pretty chilly outside so the noses never stopped running. :( You both had a lot of fun picking out pumpkins, running around, pulling the wagon, so I'm the one who was less enthused...maybe cause I had snot all over my sweater since I forgot to bring a boogie rag! :( Nice one, Mom!

It was great seeing the smiles and hearing the giggles. I love holiday traditions, especially everything we do in the Fall. Sad to see some of it go, but excited for the rest of the holiday season. :) Love you my little girls....always. XO, Mom

Sometimes I wish I could get away from it all...just for a few days. And well, you might think this is "not so nice" or not a "lovey dovey" kind of post, it's real...it's me...and it's us. Every day I have this set job. Things change up a little bit from time to time. But my job remains the same. I get up, fix my coffee and veg in front of the computer until it's time for y'all to get up. It's some of the best time of my day. I have no focus, no job to do. It's just me. You will find as you grow into adulthood that we all need some decompress time. I am not ashamed of mine cause I know it's important and it makes me a better mommy to you. If I have an adequate amount of down time, I can play and sing and have a blast with my two best friends. Lately, I've been grinding my teeth in the stress I've built up inside myself. Your mom is constantly striving to be the best at all things. It's for no one else's sake but my own. I know this sounds so bizarre, but it's my own high standards that I have to answer to on a minute to minute basis. I go to bed and rest so easily after I've fed you girls a yummy and veg filled dinner. Knowing you enjoyed every last bite puts my mind at peace. If your rooms are picked up and in nice order, I sleep better. It's this absolutely absurd mindset that makes me grind my teeth. I think I might be slightly OCD. But then I think harder about it and maybe it's just me having this overwhelming want to make sure you are happy and healthy. It shouldn't take as MUCH as effort as I put into it, but I still do it. My whole life is you. I have never been so meticulous, so focused on one thing. The best part about that obsessive compulsiveness is that I am more determined in different aspects of my life as well including finishing what I start. I am a start and drop kind of personality, but after having kids, I have become much more focused and my determination has sky rocketed. Every year of your lives I evolve a little bit more. The problem is that I suffer in other areas. I can't keep my whole life in perfect order and that's frustrating. SO when I say I wish I could get away for a little while, it's so that decompression can help me prioritize. The stress of things that I am not so good at, eat away at me. Whereas I feel like I'm a better version of myself, I still feel like I could use more patience, understanding and my own self acceptance. So here's hoping little bits of alone time (here and there), and stress release add up to help me see the light in all that is me and my beautiful life. :) I Love you!! XO Mom

Wow

I don't want off the roller coaster, I just want it to slow down a bit. The girls have been sick for over a week and a half...finally it decided to dry up! Thank goodness. They played outside after their naps and had so much fun. Hayden fell in the bushes and Natalie fell off of the small play slide we have in the back yard...at almost the same exact second! It was crazy. I yell at my Daddy to grab Hayden and I see Natalie fall head first the short distance to the grass, her feet and legs still draped over the slide. They were both laughing, so no biggie. Hayden is the "dare devil" in training. She was sitting next to Natalie on the couch, watching her sister play a game on the iPad and I guess turned around too fast and fell face first on one of their little wooden chairs, wait...it was on the CORNER of that little chair. You can only imagine how fantastic her forehead looks right now. It immediately swelled up! It was like one of those hershey's easter chocolate eggs. I felt so bad for her. It was green and purple and she barely let me put ice on it. We had to pretend to put ice on her dinosaur to help her along. It worked a little. So today she has two scratches and a red bump but the swelling is way down. That was scary for me. She has bumped, bruised and bled so much more in her short little life than Natalie did. Let's see...Natalie=cautious, Hayden=adventurous. There is the reason why I see more injuries with Hayden. :) Hayden talks SO much. Said it before, I'll say it again...Hayden talks SO much! My favorite thing she says is when she wants her sister to come with her. "c'mon tithter, MON!" :) LOVE. You guys are getting a long so much better these days. Natalie you are in caregiver mode and I adore that. You still don't want her taking everything from you but you are getting more, let's see.....used to it? I'm so sad cause you are growing up too fast. Things are changing and I dunno if it's school that's causing more growth in you, Natalie, but it makes me sad. You are definitely not my little baby any more. There is a difference to say the least. It's not a bad difference it's just you evolving and something that this obsessive mother has to get used to. I love you both SO much and it grows every single day. We all grow and change and better ourselves, so I have to accept what is happening to you. It's mother nature doing her thing and I cherish what she has given to me in the forms of you. :) I love you to the moon, my lovelies. XO! Mom

School Germs and My Toddler, the Dictator

Needless to say, I'm having a fantastic week. OY VAY. Seriously, this is why I hate Natalie going to school. Well ok, so I hate not being in control of her situation for 4 hours, twice a week, but really I'm getting used to it. BUT I just hate hate hate hearing children sound like they are coughing up a lung when I drop her off. :| I just want to cover her mouth and pick her up and RUN out the door. I've always heard the horror stories of stomach flu, regular cold flu, etc being spread through the snotty hugs and slobbery sharing that is...school. One other thing I hate is when people ask, "does she have a fever?" First the husband asks me, then says "it sucks we can't get a refund." That really irritates me. Then I call the school to tell them she isn't coming in because she is sick. This woman then asks, "oh, does she have a fever?" REALLY?? REALLY??? You need to ask? Like I'm lying? It could be that they just want to know in case others start getting sick. I simply just said, "she is a little warm, but her head is hurting and she's coughing and sneezing and she won't be in." But I'm STILL mad. I absolutely HATE being questioned. I grew up being asked if I was sure all the time. I AM sure and I no longer want to live under this "questionable umbrella" because it stopped me from doing so many things in my life. It seems kind of a stretch to move from a sick kid, to my emotional road blocks, but it just stirs it up inside of me. One thing I want you girls to know is that I'm not going to question you when there is something in your life that you are passionate about. I'm not going to make you feel like you should be doubting yourself. It's an awful, unaccomplished, lonely feeling. I want you to be strong, independent and bad ass women. It took me 30+ years to figure out exactly who I am and what I need to do in life. I should've had that foundation, that confidence a long, long time ago. BUT at least I have it now and I know that it was ME that got me here. Now, onto the "Dictator." Hayden, I love you. I really, truly love you. There is not "but." I just think it's funny that you are trying SO hard to become the queen of the house. Oh, hunny bunny...that just AIN'T gonna happen. :) I'm sure you are reading this thinking otherwise or maybe laughing. You are knocking on the door of 19 months, and you try your best to ignore what I say and do as you please until time out is involved. Usually I can tell you that you are not being nice to mommy and that you need to sweet. I get a little hug and a head on the shoulder and a "luh youuuu" YES...you are saying "luh youuuu" now. Last night you were CA-razy, and at around 8:15 (just before your bed time) you came to mommy and said, "Nap, mommy....nap." I said, "oh? you want to go take your nap? you want to go seep?" You said, "uh-huuuuuh" So that was pretty cool. Never have I heard a child say they want to go to sleep. :) You definitely are very decisive and know exactly what you want, when you want it. That is also a bad thing, some times. :) We need to work on your patience a little bit. If mommy has to work on it then so do you. We just decorated for Halloween!! Yippee!! :) Mommy's fave time of year. I was feeling a little confuse with decor this year, because of all my redecorating. Our house has a lot more color and personality so I had to be more subtle and creative with the halloween colors. It is coming along. :) Only bad thing is Natalie thought it was time to go trick-or-treating and I had to tell her it's still a few weeks away. :( Ok, gotta go take care of my little monkey-monks. Hayden is starting to sneeze now....aaaaaaaaand, here we go. :( XO!! Mom

Ideas...SQUASHED!

For the last two days Natalie has begged me to be Repunzel for Halloween. After MONTHS of me trying to figure out how to make my little girl's dreams come true with a fantastic "super thunderstorm" costume that she wanted so badly...I feel sad. I know kids are chronic mind changers, but I feel more crushed that our whole weather family thing isn't going to happen. Why do I have to say yes to her new idea??? I know...I KNOW....cause I HAVE to. :( I sometimes find the whole princess thing a little on the boring side. Sorry my girls, it's just on the days when you want to be a rock star or an "animal doctor" or even a pirate, it thrills me a little more. :) But what can I say, I think I at least have one princess and there's absolutely nothing I can do to change her, nor would I want to. I tell them both every day to just be who they are. It doesn't matter what anyone thinks. Staying true to yourself is the most important accessory. I think it took me 35 years to figure that one out. Hopefully I can encourage them and get them to that place a little sooner. :) Football season is in full swing. Hayden loves saying "BOOMER SOONER!" and says "football!" when she sees a game on. It's really cute and surprised at how much she soaks up. (good and bad..haha) Natalie is really loving school. Yesterday she went on and on about how fun it was. That's my favorite time of the day, picking her up and hearing all about it. :) She's learning names and comes home with a "new friend's" name almost every school day. So excited for Fall! Today it's raining and it's going to continue off and on for a couple more days. It's movie day and we are watching Tangled. :) Love you girls, lets have a great day!!