Deep Thoughts

I've learned over time and through struggles that life isn't about looks or body shape, or the constant need to look perfect to other people. As a mom my concentration should just be on my children and not how difficult it is to get my pre-baby body back. When it was just Natalie and me, I could work on it with little stress and was able to be successful. My "pre-baby body" was a body I hadn't had in several years so trying to attain that again with two kids is much, much harder. I beat myself up everyday over my body and am thinking too much of myself. My thoughts are wrapped around trying to make myself look better. It's stupid. I eat right and I workout and that should be ENOUGH. I want my girls to see me as healthy not a woman obsessed with image. That idea is not going in the right direction at the moment so my whole way of thinking has to change. Happiness is my ultimate goal, no matter what size I am. I think a lot of women go through this "change" when they have kids. I don't want to "let myself go" and truthfully I haven't...so why isn't what I'm doing enough? Well, media and growing up around dieters and the idea that being thinner is always better has just clouded my brain. Life is just SO much bigger than that.
So here is where things change, Natalie and Hayden. I can't promise that I won't fall off the wagon and obsess about my weight on occasion but there will be a lot more of my attention towards you and your happiness cause ultimately all I want is for you both to see me as a wonderful mom who did everything she could to make your childhood an amazing one. I'm in no ways perfect, but if you happen to think that at least once in your life, I will be happy. :)

Love you!!!
XO
Mom

Sweet Moments

Yesterday Daddy came home. He had been gone for a week and I was a little worried about how Hayden would react. I showed her his picture every day that he was gone and he called often to let her hear his voice. It took her only a few minutes to give him the once over and discover that it was DADDY! She immediately smiled and began wiggling and buried her head into his shoulder. It was so sweet I teared up! Natalie of course couldn't wait for him to come home and jump-hugged him first thing. Sadly, I have been moved to third place. :) It's ok, I thoroughly enjoy the relationship my husband has with his girls. Their relationship is SO important to me. I want them to grow up with their daddy in their hearts and in their thoughts always. The best thing is that he recognizes just how important the father/daughter relationship is and involves himself in pretty much everything that has to do with them. He definitely makes them a priority which is SO very important when it comes to building relationships and fueling their trust in him. It's just such an amazing thing to watch. All kids should be so lucky to have him as their daddy. :)

Love "killer baby" hugs

What I mean by "killer baby hugs" is when I hold my baby up and she grabs two hand fulls of hair from behind my head and tries to eat my nose and all she does is squeeze and slobber all over me....it's heaven. Feeling her little warm body and her cool cheek pressing up against mine is pure joy. My Hayden is learning to say "hi" by scrunching her fingers and learning to go forward, rather than just backwards, in her walker! I'm so impressed by how much she's learning and how fast. She is so patient with her older sister, just observing and allowing her to poke and rub, no matter how hard. The only thing that you don't like, Hayden, is when she tries to take something you are interested in. Oh no...that's yours and yours alone. I'm glad you have strength and courage to let her know!

I won't discuss in this blog how Natalie has been behaving the past few days, just cause I want to put it out of my mind. Plus, I don't want her to feel bad reading this 20 years from now. :) SO, I LOVE YOU! Thanks for all the good things you've done today! For the 3-year old lecture on what you know about dinosaurs; for the "mmmm, good WUNCH!" and for telling me you love me for the 80th time. :)

There, my positive swing on difficult situations makes ME feel a LOT better.
Time for Hayden to try some applesauce! Love you both tons and tons. No one could love you more.
XO
Mom

Noone said motherhood was easy!

It's been a rough couple of days. Hayden is STILL teething, trying to get that one tooth out and Natalie is trying to help me out by mimicking everything that I say or do when it comes to her little sis. It was cute at first but now, "frustrating" is a better word. :) I wish that I could explain to her an array of things and giving me a breather is on that list. Her nap time is a great way for me to breathe. Even if she doesn't sleep she at least lays there and stays fairly quiet.
Since Daddy went out of town a couple of days ago we've been trying to adjust to life without him for a few days. He is SUCH a big help to me, especially during night time routine. We are like a well oiled machine when it comes to getting the girls to bed, so it's SUPER tough to change up the routine (which I always find particularly difficult). We are getting into a groove but it's still rush, rush, rush. I want them in bed, I guess mostly so I can lay down and just chill. Sleeping hasn't been too much of an issue for me this time. Normally I don't do well without my hubby by my side. Last night was rough, however. I woke up feeling so much anxiety. I should've just sat up and blogged via my iPhone but I was just overcome by a weird panic that I just wanted it to go away and for me to fall asleep. Eventually I did but have felt weird all day. I had to keep on trucking for my girls.
Sometimes I feel like a less than adequate mother. Getting annoyed too easily and feeling like I just want to crawl under a rock for FIVE minutes!! I am lucky that my girls have a nap time in the afternoon so I at least get two hours to do what I need to do and perhaps just stare at the TV.
My bootcamp was over last week, so I found a new version to do at home and it is HARD. I was sweating buckets yesterday. Up to 5 miles of running too, on my way to my 10k in a few weeks! SO much is running through my head every second of the day and I just can't wait to hug my hubby and think of nothing. I love every part of my life but I don't love the stress! It comes with the territory so I have to do everything I can to be stronger than it is.
Girls, you are so important to me and I suppose that's why I stress. I want the best for you and I want to be the best for you. Love you more every day and I couldn't ask for two sweeter smiles to say good morning to. :)
XO
Mom

Chocolate chips make the world go 'round...

...I'm certain of it. I can put a "smallish" amount in my hand and as I put each one of them in my mouth, one at a time, I believe they are perfection. The way they melt and hit every single one of your taste buds...it's basically the perfect food. Natalie loves chocolate too and she gives me the most amazing and beautiful look when I hand her 5 chocolate chips of her very own. :) I keep it to a minimum for both of us, mainly because, well lets face it, they are SO perfect because they have sugar in them. :) It sadly gives me an incredible amount of joy, wait.."sadly?" Why do I care if I adore chocolate chips? It all comes back to "what would they think if they knew I ate chocolate today?" WHO CARES! It's SO annoying to have to fight with that pointless question and with that way of thinking every day but I am trying hard to squash it all!! Bottom line is that we have a tongue with many different taste elements for a reason and are meant to enjoy food, so why don't we? It's all fine, in moderation. I love running and working out, I love food oh...and I LOVE my husband! :) Today is the 8 year anniversary of our first date! Aaaah, seems like yesterday...it really does! No matter what chaos is going on at the moment, how tired and/or annoyed I am, I still feel SO lucky that he saw me and thought..."I want to know her." My husband is very subtle with his feelings, I am not. He is extremely reserved, I am not. So you see, we definitely make a great couple. haha...we DO. :) We share so many things in common...that it just fits. Even though we may not even realize some of the things we have in common. My man is so perfect for me and I can sum it up in two words, unconditional love. It would be "shocking" for people who know me to hear that I might not be the easiest person to live with or have a conversation with when I have my defenses up or feel super passionate about something...but it is true. ;) Not everything that comes out of my mouth is perfection (like chocolate chips) but my sweet, patient husband takes it all with a grain of salt and goes with the flow. My good days do swing through most of the time but no matter what kind of day it is, I am always assured that his love will be there always. How lucky am I? :) A true friend who is also in love with me??? Wow! It's still so hard to fathom..even after 8 years. He wrote two beautiful things to me today that sing in my heart, "Eight great years!" and.."I am thankful EVERY day that I asked if I could kiss you." :'-) Every card he gives me makes me cry...not for the words the author wrote, but for the extra time he takes to write his own.
I wish for both of my girls to have a partner like their daddy, who makes their momma SO happy every day.