Welcome to my crazy, happy, wonderful, crazy, magical, fantastic, crazy, unbelievable life.
I hope you find it as fantastic as I do!

Friday, December 30, 2011

Silly Sisters

Natalie is finally learning to share with her sister....finally. It's so much nicer to see her asking nicely to have something back rather than just snatching it away. Hayden is saying new words and making new gestures. She loves saying "byyyye bye" and waves with both hands. Saying "hi" is cute too, but that's just a one-hander. ;) We are teaching her how to say baby and she does a good job with that word "baaaaaa-by....baaaaaa-by." She crawls directly towards her baby and knows what books are too. I love her little baby chatter and her interactions. It's like getting to know a new person! :) One of my favorite moments so far in your little sisterhood happened this evening as I watched you playing and Natalie leaned in to give Hayden a kiss on the head, ever so gently. That's true love of a big sister....and a gift for my heart. :)

I love you both so much and I will spend every minute I can showing you just how much.

XO
Mom

Thursday, December 29, 2011

What a December!

So Christmas has come and gone and we're all kinda sad about it. I guess mostly because Natalie was sick on Christmas morning so she didn't enjoy everything initially. She had thrown up in her bed and was so upset. :( Then anger came when she couldn't wear her monkey jammies cause well, they were SOILED with vomit. Anyway, we tried our best to make it a good morning for her, but all she wanted to do was lay down in between present opening. It just broke our hearts to see her so down. After she threw up the last time she was able to have milk and keep it down and was ready for the rest of her presents so Christmas got much better. I wish I didn't feel the need to get her so much. She barely plays with everything. Her little mind can't possibly have enough imagination for it all. I know she will eventually get to the mass of toys, it just takes time for her to come up with some creativity for them all.
December stressed me out. I always put soooo much pressure on myself to be the best for the best people in my life. I have to make cookies and candy, shop for presents, talk to santa, make sure our elf on the shelf Starry had a nice comfortable place to sit for the day, shop on line, wrap presents, stop for Eric's birthday, shop on line, wrap presents. Yea, I sad some things multiple times, cause I did them multiple times. UGH...it's stressing me out just typing it all and reliving the thoughts. I'm somewhat glad it is over, actually but I wish I had a chance to enjoy it a little more. It's my fault I didn't. I hope that I take a hint and take care of myself better next year.
Stress comes with my body image as well. I want so bad to drop the pregnancy weight ...TEN POUNDS!! THAT'S IT! It's the hardest cause I just want to eat whatever I want....and now I have to do a last minute training schedule for my half marathon. I should've started in November, but here I have 2 months left and I have to devise a plan...or I'm gonna exhaust myself. I just would love to dump weight and be 70 percent ready to do the half...that would be decent shape for me mentally. I can push the other 30! ha! here's hoping that I can get everything under control but as a mom of two little ones, I barely have time to blog and breathe!

Today we went to the Waco zoo. It is beautiful, one of the best zoos I've been to as far as scenery. It was chilly and the trees were full of fall colors, even though it's now winter :) Natalie loved it and all the animals. A few of them looked at her like she was lunch! ha!
We all had a good time...I think Hayden's favorite part was lunch at Chuy's. :)


So my girls, another year is coming to a close. 2011 was amazing because little Hayden came into our lives. We have so much to be thankful for and if I just keep remembering that my stress will disapate and I will be able to breathe a little more. My new year's resolution is to try to not put too much stress on myself. Make smart decisions and realize that nothing and no one is perfect, including myself.

I love you my little girls and trust in the fact that your mommy will be a better mommy with each new breath that I take.
XO
Mom

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

December Craziness

December always brings joy, but there is always stress in the back pocket. Did I prepare enough? Shut down holiday thinking and focus on husband's birthday that is 3 days before Christmas. I constantly have to remind myself not to forget. Then put that aside and make sure that everyone is covered that I wanted to shop for. So then I remember that I have a project to complete that is going to be a gift. Somehow I have to get myself out of this house to get the last remaining pieces of said project. Switch gears to my 3 year old's questions....and my whining teething baby who hates everything. ON TOP OF EVERYTHING...I have to worry about when and how I'm going to get the remaining baby weight off....oh and somehow fitting in a little training for the half marathon that I committed to (and shouldn't have!!)for February. Needless to say my head is spinning. I have so much going on that I can barely focus. My house is a mess, my christmas tree keeps "messing with me"...and I just need to start checking things off my list so I don't go CRAZY!!!!

Luckily my Christmas cards got sent off yesterday and I have cookies and candies made for gift boxes. That stuff lets me breathe a little....but there is still so much to do!

Sorry my lovely ladies, this was not at all about you guys and what cute things you are doing these days....mommy just had to vent!

I still love you to pieces....
XO..Mom

Friday, December 2, 2011

Elf on the Shelf!

So this morning the Elf on the Shelf arrived from the North Pole! He flew in to watch over the girls all day and at night, he flies back to the Pole to report to Santa. Natalie is over the moon excited about his arrival. Supposedly, every morning he picks a different spot to sit in. This is a whole lot more fun than I thought it would be. Daddy and I read the story to Natalie last night and you could see her little gears grinding as she listened and started understanding the story. We got to give our elf a name and Natalie picked "Starry Christmas." So hoping Starry works his magic on my little one! She keeps talking about him and wanting to know all sorts of things about him. I hope the game of finding him each morning will keep the excitement alive!

Here is our elf, Starry!

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

So much going on!

There has been so much going on between thanksgiving, teething, decorating for Christmas, teething, etc...etc...etc

Hayden is getting her second big front tooth which is driving me bananas! My poor baby gets in these "moods" and I just can't ever make her happy...well, unless I hold her. She's starting to play peek-a-boo with anyone who is watching. She will pull up her blanket up to her face and wait for someone to say, "where's Hayden?" and she pulls it down fast. It's so cute....cause she's so proud of herself. :) Hayden is also dancing when she hears a good tune and seems to obviously really like music. Another thing she likes to do is empty things out and put stuff back in so Santa will be bringing her some appropriately fun toys this year! She's such a good eater and really seems to know how to handle chewing different things. No real interest in crawling, just wants to walk...on her own. Scares me, but I'm pretty sure she is going to take her first steps a little sooner than her sister did. She's always chasing after Natalie in her walker so I'm sure she can't wait to really go after her. Riley and Hayden seem to be becoming friends. He will lay next to her while she plays on the floor and just likes to be around her. She's getting used to him and tries to share her "cookies" with him. :)
My sweet Hayden, I can't believe you will be 9 months old in a few days!! Seems like just yesterday we were in the hospital getting to know each other. You are so funny and loving with a spark of "stinker" in you....and I love you so!!

Natalie is SO into Christmas! She loves holidays like her mommy does! I guess that's why, cause I make such a big deal out of the ones I like. She has a set of plastic decorations that she decorated the tree with. She has her own little funky white christmas tree in her room and lots of christmas books and dolls. I can't wait to see her face on Christmas morning! Last year was good, this year will be even better. :)
Sweet Natalie you are learning so much and talking up a storm. You don't fully understand some things still, but you are learning so fast. We straightened your hair for the first time and it was sooo beautiful. The next day you said, "oh no, my hair's not beautiful anymore :(" haha...awww.
I love the way you love your sister and the way she stares at you with delight. You are already best buddies and I hope it stays that way!

I love you both so much and am looking forward to this Christmas season and all the fun it will bring!!

XO
Mom

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

So Very Thankful

I am a lucky girl.
I am so very thankful for...kids and their kisses....hugs and hilarious moments....teething and talks...crafts and cooking...play time and nap time....baking and book reading....my picky child and my non-picky child....funny faces and fun places....movie time and moving times....controlled chaos and complete chaos....friend dates and mommy-daddy dates....secrets and silly dances.
I am so very thankful for all of the above and so much more but most of all I am thankful for love and for life. The love of my husband, my best friend and who I am meant to spend my life with. The love of my babies, who do so unconditionally and never cease to tell me or show me just how much I mean to them.
I am so thankful for the life I was given, the life my husband was given, and the chance to give life to my Natalie and my Hayden and to join all of our lives together into ONE. You all are my dream come true and more than I could have ever asked for or ever thought I deserved. I love each one of you to the moon and back times infinity.

XOXO
Mom (Lori) :)

Saturday, November 12, 2011

Perfect Day



I couldn't have planned a better day than my family and I had yesterday. Literally could not sit down and write it out any better.
We started off with going on the metro rail to downtown Austin. My husband and I have been trying to plan out more activities for the girls to do and thought Natalie would enjoy the Children's Museum. She had been there once before when she was about 15 months old, but this experience was MUCH better. It's more fun with her walking and talking. Hayden got to play with a few things too, so that was a bonus. It was pretty crowded so we spent about an hour there and walked over to get lunch. We had hot dogs at a place called Frank which I'm pretty sure is sitting in an old club I used to frequent...a LONG time ago. ;) and :( After lunch we walked back to the train station and rode it back to our car. I couldn't have asked for my girls to behave any better. No melt downs. No fits. NOTHING. Natalie did fall a couple of times, but she was ok and kept on going. When we got home they both went right down for naps and slept a couple hours. After they got up we went to eat pizza with Grampa and headed to the hockey game. Natalie kept telling me she was tired and wanted to go "home to sleep." haha...a mother's DREAM! But we stayed 2 periods and the Stars got a goal with 2 minutes left in the 2nd! It was exciting! Hayden and Natalie didn't mind the loud music and noises (even though we blocked Hayden's a little). Nat was kinda getting into it but was ready to go home. It was just a really awesome day. One of those days you wish you could repeat over and over. Although, hubs and I were super tired too! ha! :) We both fell asleep quick.
I just love watching you girls excited and happy. Exploring all the new things and faces in your environment. It's completely amazing to see you both learning and soaking things up like little sponges. You both have similar but different personalities. You both loved the train ride. Hayden, you laughed and played during both rides. Natalie, you looked out the window and talked to Daddy and when it was time to get off and go to our car, you said.. "Mommy? can we go on the train next year?" :) SO sweet! Of course I told you YES!! That's your new thing, saying "last year" or "next year." LOVE. :) Nat you waved bye bye to the train and said "see you next time, train!" :) again...LOVE.




You both have done so well today too! We are on a roll! Hoping that the cowboys don't lose tomorrow and ruin our "perfect" weekend!

Thank you for being testy and difficult and happy and joyful and SO MUCH FUN. Did that sound weird? Well, if it weren't for the former I wouldn't appreciate the ladder sooo much! :) I love you both for all that you are. You are a crazy mix of me and of Daddy that I completely adore. I can't wait for our next adventure! Christmas activities...here we come!

Now, onto making cookies! LOVE YOU!!
XO
MOm

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

This, That and the Other

Hayden is starting to not like baby food anymore. She definitely prefers the stuff that has small chunks in it. I don't think she likes the pureed stuff anymore. Truth be told she never was too excited about any of it, but she really likes to pick up her own food and chew it. I never experienced this with Natalie. She would just touch stuff with her index finger and gently swirl it around on her highchair. Hayden is the opposite. She figured it out how to get food in her mouth quickly and even though she about shoves every one of her fingers in while feeding, she gets her little morsels in there! Super proud that her instincts kicked in so soon. I'm still anticipating her sitting up at any time now and she's threatening me with her crawl stance. :) Using her walker is no problem for her anymore. She motors throughout the house! I wish I could work with her more effectively, one on one, but it's a little bit harder with Natalie needing my attention just as much and with their nap times coinciding.

Speaking of naps, I am going to start back at pilates during that time. I feel like my back is weaker than it used to be so I need to work on my strength for carrying the girls when I need to and for running. I feel the weakness in the middle of my run and it really inhibits my longevity and my speed. Here's hoping I can get back...my back! :)

I'm super excited for tomorrow because I'm going to be trying a new recipe! Not my own recipe, but one that I saw featured on the Brown-Eyed Baker website---love her. I am, however, going to try a different "presentation"....hoping it works!

Today has been a little hairy with me waking up late due to the fact that I tossed and turned a lot last night. I keep having these scary dreams...I so need to turn off the TV when I start getting sleepy!
I'm going to try to take a few deep breaths to get through the day. I have this other thought in my head about brightening up my kitchen. I so want to paint the cabinets white...but the Mr. won't allow it. I just want to freshen things up!

boo. :(

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

I got Daddy to eat a veggie!


As you girls probably know, your dad is anti-veg. It's sad, I know. I've been wishing for change for a looooong time. Well, yesterday I was writing a recipe and decided to try it out. I made 7 cookies and froze the rest of the dough. The recipe was a chocolate chip type but it was made with half the butter and half the sugar as typical recipes. I decided that I wanted a soft cookie and wanted to see what pumpkin puree would do. Fingers crossed, they went into the oven. When they came out they were tinged orange, of course but not enough for anyone to notice. They were yummy! VERY soft. That combined with chocolate and white chocolate chips I came up with a great cookie I named "Half and Half." I asked Daddy to try them and he liked them! He couldn't pic out the "secret ingredient"...and you really can't taste the pumpkin at all! I told him, "it's good that I just got a veggie into you"...and he just looked at me as I smirked with joy. :) He had one later on after dinner too. He said they were like muffins...but it's only cause they are super soft. Maybe if I had less flour, it would be crunchier. So, Natalie...you LOVED them. After your nap I took one up to you to taste and watching your face and the way you snatched it from my hand was priceless. I so love watching you enjoy food that I make. It's weird maybe, but I LOVE food and put so much care into it so it warms my heart to make you happy. I hope that this recipe, along with other successful ones I write will stay in our family a long time. I'm still waiting for the shoe to drop and to have something come out completely wrong...but at least that will be a funny story to tell in the future as well. :)


Today we are getting a cold snap and Natalie and Hayden...you both love the cooler weather! You both smile and get excited when it's chilly out. Friday we are all going to hop on the the metro train and head to Austin to go to the Children's Museum and then have lunch and go on a family adventure. Daddy and I haven't ridden the train yet, so it will be fun for us all! Can't wait!

Loves you!

Monday, November 7, 2011

Fun Sunday



I had a great time yesterday trying out a new recipe and working on perfecting another. I spent hours in the kitchen while the girls slept...even during the Cowboy's game! Loving baking so much right now. The best part about it is having a little taste tester. Natalie loves being my helper and especially taking a bite of her mama's love! I have to admit, I am on a mission to be a great cook/baker and to create my own signature recipes that my girls will treasure always. For Christmas I'm making my great grandmother's Chocolate Date Cake. I've never used dates in cooking before but that is apparently a mid-west staple...or it used to be. I can't wait to put my own spin on it---not much...just a little bit. Natalie and Hayden, I can't wait till you both are cooking in the kitchen with mama!! Memories that we will cherish forever!

Check out my recipe for these yummy Pumpkin-Banana Muffins on www.bakespace.com (username: lorikat)....SO YUMMY and the softest, moistest muffins you've ever had!

Friday, November 4, 2011

Chocolate Muffins!




So in celebration of Miss Hayden's 8 month birthday today, I decided to make chocolate muffins! I feel bad that she can't have any yet...but by the time she does, my recipe will be perfected. This is a basic muffin recipe that I use but then I add my special ingredients to make them my own! If you want a yummy, fluffy muffin with a nice semi-crunchy top...give these a try! Low fat...decently low sugar and SUPER chocolatey! Family approved!

Chocolate Muffins (Low-Fat)
Ingredients:
1 1/2 cups Flour
1/4 cup sifted baking Cocoa
2 tsp Baking Powder
1/3 cup Sugar
1/8 tsp Cinnamon
1/8 tsp Salt
1 beaten Egg
1 tsp Vanilla
3/4 cup 1% Milk
1/4 cup Vegetable Oil
1/2 cup Semi Sweet Chocolate Chips

Directions:
Heat the oven to 385. Grease a muffin tin. Mix dry ingredients together in one bowl. In a different bowl mix together the beaten egg, milk, vanilla and oil. Pour all at once into the dry mixture. Stir together until just moistened. Fold in the chocolate chips. Fill 7-8 of the muffin cups in your pan. It makes medium sized muffins. Or you could use a mini muffin tin for smaller bite sized muffins.

Bake for 17-20 minutes. Judge by your own oven's temperature.
Yields about 8 muffins.
ENJOY!

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Good plus bad plus good plus love...

As you can see there are more good things than bad that are rolling around in my brain and in my heart. I've come to terms with my life and the ups and downs. It doesn't, however, make the good any less good, or the bad any less bad. I suppose the way I handle it is what matters the most. Too much of the time I let it all chip away at me. I want what everyone wants, or so I assume. A happy and healthy life for all those that I love including myself. Never to have pain in our hearts, never to feel let down or have anger, to have glowing love and joy and to never stop laughing. Unfortunately, life never works out that way. What we can all hope for is more of the ladder and less of the former. I sometimes wish I could have 3 more kids just so that I can surround myself with people who have unconditional love for me but that's just selfish. I am who I am and I don't expect anyone in this life to understand me but to halfway get me is better than not getting me at all. That aside I feel sometimes like things around me (outside my little family's bubble) are unraveling. It's a "jagged pill" to swallow. Not knowing what to do, thinking whatever you say no one will understand or really listen to....feeling like it's your fault. Words hurt even when they aren't necessarily directed toward you. I wish I could take it all away and going back to my original opening thoughts, I just want the world of the people I love to have happiness in their hearts. I am certainly not one to judge in the worst sense, I've learned my lesson after years of doing just that. When you haven't walked a mile in others' shoes, you have no right to judge....period.
I'm so thankful every day for my husband/my best friend and for my children. They bring love and happiness to me every day...even on crazy days! Yesterday Natalie was watching a cartoon and Moose E. Moose asked "what are you thankful for this year?" and without even pausing, Natalie said, "my mommy." I was just in shock and awe...not sure why, but to have someone need me that way and be so thankful to have me in their life meant everything to me. Maybe she's only 3....but she definitely knows who she loves. She never gets mad at me when I put her in time out...or when I tell her "no"...she always wants to work it out after the fact with a hug and a kiss. There is so much to learn from that little girl. Love and acceptance is more important than anything.
I love you, my girls...to the moon and back. Never forget how much you need me and how much I need you.
XO...Mom

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Life

Life is full of ups and downs. Seems like as soon as you make up your mind about how to deal with something and you work on it really hard, someone throws in the "wrench" and everything you thought you could do, you can't do anymore. It really is an awful feeling when someone or something disappoints you but at the same time, it's a learning experience. I have learned to live with the disappoints, even though it hurts, because there are so many important and wonderful things in my life that out weigh them. Nothing ever takes them away from your thoughts, but little faces, little hugs, and little 'I love yous' are the spoonfuls of sugar you need to swallow the "downs" in life.
Thank you, my girls, for making Mommy realize that it's the sweet moments in life that make it all worth it!
Love you!

Monday, October 10, 2011

OOOH, Hayden...I love you...but PLEASE go back to sleep!


I shouldn't complain but I'm so used to long naps to clean, unwind, or just sit and stare at a blank wall. Today Hayden is so sleepy but would rather yell or play than take her usual block of time for sleeping. I hear babbling which makes me think that she is probably messing around with her play mirror that is attached to her crib. She seems to be ok entertaining herself....for a little while at least.
Now she is threatening me with crawling! Yesterday was the first day I actually saw her up on her hands and knees and moving back and forth. Luckily she can't quite figure the dynamics out yet, but she's close. It's weird, for me especially since Natalie didn't do much of anything as far as sitting up on her own or crawling until she was 10 months. It's almost like going through the first baby all over again! Which is cool. The girls are different in a lot of respects. I think Hayden is more adventurous because of her personality even though everyone thinks it's mostly because she learns from watching her sister. I'm sure it's the combination of the two. Whatever it is, I'm glad I get to be here to watch my girls take their first steps!

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Fun times

Yesterday was Hayden's 7-month birthday and I just can't believe the milestones she's hitting already! She's picking stuff up with her index finger and her thumb and trying to chew solid food. She's become very ambitious and wants to try everything her sister is trying. Poor girl WISHES she could jump up and steal it from Natalie...I can see it on her face. I've tried to let go a little bit and let Natalie play with her, always keeping a watchful eye on them. At least Natalie is learning to be a lot more gentle...I hope it continues. So much has gone on in the last few weeks! One being that I had a birthday and I had SUCH a fantastic time. I celebrated the whole weekend and was really feeling thrilled with my life. I have so much to be thankful for and I think it took this amount of years to understand what makes me the most happy and how awesome I feel. Yea, I still have bad days (currently in a cycle right now) but for the most part I am very happy. Now if I can just get back on the fitness horse. I had a 10k on Sunday and was impressed with my time. Bad thing is that my body has not been the same since. Hoping to be "repaired" soon so I can begin my regimen again. Somehow I have to be ready for the half in February! (gulp) I got some non-surprising bad news this week too that my PCOS is back in full force now that I'm 7 months post pardum. :( It sucks, but I knew it would return eventually. So back on the meds I go, which comes at a good time because I'm starting to feel "unbalanced." Side note...I wonder how many times a 3 year could repeat a word before SHE lost HER mind?? It took 10 times in a row before I had to yell "STOP IT".....just curious.

Monday, September 19, 2011

Deep Thoughts

I've learned over time and through struggles that life isn't about looks or body shape, or the constant need to look perfect to other people. As a mom my concentration should just be on my children and not how difficult it is to get my pre-baby body back. When it was just Natalie and me, I could work on it with little stress and was able to be successful. My "pre-baby body" was a body I hadn't had in several years so trying to attain that again with two kids is much, much harder. I beat myself up everyday over my body and am thinking too much of myself. My thoughts are wrapped around trying to make myself look better. It's stupid. I eat right and I workout and that should be ENOUGH. I want my girls to see me as healthy not a woman obsessed with image. That idea is not going in the right direction at the moment so my whole way of thinking has to change. Happiness is my ultimate goal, no matter what size I am. I think a lot of women go through this "change" when they have kids. I don't want to "let myself go" and truthfully I haven't...so why isn't what I'm doing enough? Well, media and growing up around dieters and the idea that being thinner is always better has just clouded my brain. Life is just SO much bigger than that.
So here is where things change, Natalie and Hayden. I can't promise that I won't fall off the wagon and obsess about my weight on occasion but there will be a lot more of my attention towards you and your happiness cause ultimately all I want is for you both to see me as a wonderful mom who did everything she could to make your childhood an amazing one. I'm in no ways perfect, but if you happen to think that at least once in your life, I will be happy. :)

Love you!!!
XO
Mom

Friday, September 16, 2011

Sweet Moments

Yesterday Daddy came home. He had been gone for a week and I was a little worried about how Hayden would react. I showed her his picture every day that he was gone and he called often to let her hear his voice. It took her only a few minutes to give him the once over and discover that it was DADDY! She immediately smiled and began wiggling and buried her head into his shoulder. It was so sweet I teared up! Natalie of course couldn't wait for him to come home and jump-hugged him first thing. Sadly, I have been moved to third place. :) It's ok, I thoroughly enjoy the relationship my husband has with his girls. Their relationship is SO important to me. I want them to grow up with their daddy in their hearts and in their thoughts always. The best thing is that he recognizes just how important the father/daughter relationship is and involves himself in pretty much everything that has to do with them. He definitely makes them a priority which is SO very important when it comes to building relationships and fueling their trust in him. It's just such an amazing thing to watch. All kids should be so lucky to have him as their daddy. :)

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Love "killer baby" hugs

What I mean by "killer baby hugs" is when I hold my baby up and she grabs two hand fulls of hair from behind my head and tries to eat my nose and all she does is squeeze and slobber all over me....it's heaven. Feeling her little warm body and her cool cheek pressing up against mine is pure joy. My Hayden is learning to say "hi" by scrunching her fingers and learning to go forward, rather than just backwards, in her walker! I'm so impressed by how much she's learning and how fast. She is so patient with her older sister, just observing and allowing her to poke and rub, no matter how hard. The only thing that you don't like, Hayden, is when she tries to take something you are interested in. Oh no...that's yours and yours alone. I'm glad you have strength and courage to let her know!

I won't discuss in this blog how Natalie has been behaving the past few days, just cause I want to put it out of my mind. Plus, I don't want her to feel bad reading this 20 years from now. :) SO, I LOVE YOU! Thanks for all the good things you've done today! For the 3-year old lecture on what you know about dinosaurs; for the "mmmm, good WUNCH!" and for telling me you love me for the 80th time. :)

There, my positive swing on difficult situations makes ME feel a LOT better.
Time for Hayden to try some applesauce! Love you both tons and tons. No one could love you more.
XO
Mom

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Noone said motherhood was easy!

It's been a rough couple of days. Hayden is STILL teething, trying to get that one tooth out and Natalie is trying to help me out by mimicking everything that I say or do when it comes to her little sis. It was cute at first but now, "frustrating" is a better word. :) I wish that I could explain to her an array of things and giving me a breather is on that list. Her nap time is a great way for me to breathe. Even if she doesn't sleep she at least lays there and stays fairly quiet.
Since Daddy went out of town a couple of days ago we've been trying to adjust to life without him for a few days. He is SUCH a big help to me, especially during night time routine. We are like a well oiled machine when it comes to getting the girls to bed, so it's SUPER tough to change up the routine (which I always find particularly difficult). We are getting into a groove but it's still rush, rush, rush. I want them in bed, I guess mostly so I can lay down and just chill. Sleeping hasn't been too much of an issue for me this time. Normally I don't do well without my hubby by my side. Last night was rough, however. I woke up feeling so much anxiety. I should've just sat up and blogged via my iPhone but I was just overcome by a weird panic that I just wanted it to go away and for me to fall asleep. Eventually I did but have felt weird all day. I had to keep on trucking for my girls.
Sometimes I feel like a less than adequate mother. Getting annoyed too easily and feeling like I just want to crawl under a rock for FIVE minutes!! I am lucky that my girls have a nap time in the afternoon so I at least get two hours to do what I need to do and perhaps just stare at the TV.
My bootcamp was over last week, so I found a new version to do at home and it is HARD. I was sweating buckets yesterday. Up to 5 miles of running too, on my way to my 10k in a few weeks! SO much is running through my head every second of the day and I just can't wait to hug my hubby and think of nothing. I love every part of my life but I don't love the stress! It comes with the territory so I have to do everything I can to be stronger than it is.
Girls, you are so important to me and I suppose that's why I stress. I want the best for you and I want to be the best for you. Love you more every day and I couldn't ask for two sweeter smiles to say good morning to. :)
XO
Mom

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Chocolate chips make the world go 'round...

...I'm certain of it. I can put a "smallish" amount in my hand and as I put each one of them in my mouth, one at a time, I believe they are perfection. The way they melt and hit every single one of your taste buds...it's basically the perfect food. Natalie loves chocolate too and she gives me the most amazing and beautiful look when I hand her 5 chocolate chips of her very own. :) I keep it to a minimum for both of us, mainly because, well lets face it, they are SO perfect because they have sugar in them. :) It sadly gives me an incredible amount of joy, wait.."sadly?" Why do I care if I adore chocolate chips? It all comes back to "what would they think if they knew I ate chocolate today?" WHO CARES! It's SO annoying to have to fight with that pointless question and with that way of thinking every day but I am trying hard to squash it all!! Bottom line is that we have a tongue with many different taste elements for a reason and are meant to enjoy food, so why don't we? It's all fine, in moderation. I love running and working out, I love food oh...and I LOVE my husband! :) Today is the 8 year anniversary of our first date! Aaaah, seems like yesterday...it really does! No matter what chaos is going on at the moment, how tired and/or annoyed I am, I still feel SO lucky that he saw me and thought..."I want to know her." My husband is very subtle with his feelings, I am not. He is extremely reserved, I am not. So you see, we definitely make a great couple. haha...we DO. :) We share so many things in common...that it just fits. Even though we may not even realize some of the things we have in common. My man is so perfect for me and I can sum it up in two words, unconditional love. It would be "shocking" for people who know me to hear that I might not be the easiest person to live with or have a conversation with when I have my defenses up or feel super passionate about something...but it is true. ;) Not everything that comes out of my mouth is perfection (like chocolate chips) but my sweet, patient husband takes it all with a grain of salt and goes with the flow. My good days do swing through most of the time but no matter what kind of day it is, I am always assured that his love will be there always. How lucky am I? :) A true friend who is also in love with me??? Wow! It's still so hard to fathom..even after 8 years. He wrote two beautiful things to me today that sing in my heart, "Eight great years!" and.."I am thankful EVERY day that I asked if I could kiss you." :'-) Every card he gives me makes me cry...not for the words the author wrote, but for the extra time he takes to write his own.
I wish for both of my girls to have a partner like their daddy, who makes their momma SO happy every day.

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Already?


Hayden is wearing 9 month clothes....ALREADY? She's not even 6 months old yet! Well I guess she's considered 6 months, but still...this is some crazy sh... Seems like none of her hand me downs or stuff I've bought her is long enough! I'm pretty sure Natalie was skipping sizes at this time too, it just blows my mind. Hayden's 6 month appt is next week so we will see just how long the little booger is....I'm expecting a 90th percentile in height....foh sho.


Refusal of nap yesterday was perfection. :( I don't understand this process. She had her nap DOWN before vacation and it had been a long time of consistency. We go on a week long trip and she forgets it all. She totally FOOLED ME! We got back and she was right back to it, then on the 6th day back she started crying and waking up every 20 minutes and it's been that pattern ever since. Yesterday she was not going to let me win the power of wills... AT...ALL. I felt so bad for her, she worked herself up into such a tizzy that she kept getting these gasps from her crying and it kept waking her up. I eventually just picked her up and she went around the house with me doing what I wanted to do while she was sleeping. (sigh)...OH WELL. I guess she will have those days. What's even weirder is that Natalie is taking naps again! She must be going through a spurt...cause for weeks she was taking MAYBE one nap a week. Man, raising kids is a trip! It's a job that keeps you on your toes and every day is completely different than the one before it.

Something I find totally awesome is Hayden LOVES everything that I put into her mouth. She is so into learning and watching how things work....and all food that I have, she wants. Makes my heart soar to see her loving pees, sweet potatoes, bananas and applesauce! She loves it ALL. I'm going to try carrots...that will be the ultimate test. :) My Hayden is much more adventurous as a baby than my Natalie was. N didn't take to eating quite as easily as H.
It is true when they say every baby is different. After all, they are in fact different people!

Love you girls SO much....no matter how bad my head hurts, or how stressed I am, or how much I wish I was still in bed watching something other than animated turtles and talking sponges. You both are my everything and nothing is better than seeing you smile and laugh...nothing.

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

I stress, therefore, I am...

Ever feel like you have to apologize or feel guilty for being who you are? I can't help the fact that my main concern EVERY day is my girls. Did they sleep well? Were they comfortable? Are these jammies TOO tight? Did she poop today?? Yea...THOSE are the thoughts that run through my mind every day of my life and I'm OK with that....REALLY. I lived the single life, I sewed my oats and whereas I would like to hang with adult friends on occasion for a little break, I will STILL be thinking about my girls' comfort and happiness. I hear on a constant basis, "you should do this" or "you should do...that" and I am NOT unhappy with my life. If I want to go do something, I do. The worst thing anyone can tell me is how I should take a break...that straight ticks me off. I know that I am a great mom...far be it from perfect, a GREAT mom. I see it when I act goofy and my girls' eyes light up. Even when I just go in their rooms in the morning, they are SO happy to see me. :) They are my special little people who don't judge me, just love me and no one else on the planet is the way they are. So all of my stress, worry and concern is warranted. I've done so much in my life, I've traveled, I've partied, I've sat in complete silence (which was my favorite), I've had great jobs, but the absolute best thing I've ever done was consume my life with a husband and two beautiful babies. I love it....it's hard and wonderful...I love it.

Friday, August 26, 2011

It's Friday already??

Sitting here finishing my coffee, semi-watching the Today show with the sound of Natalie playing her camera video game...BOING! WHOOP! BOING! Sigh.....here we go.

It was a rough week of trying to get back into all routines after a week on vacation. Still feel like I need MORE rest. Hayden is doing well with her sleeping and eating, so she just rolled right back into it. Natalie has been having good and bad days. She was really pushing it yesterday, thinking that she was invincible and for a moment I kinda thought she was going to succeed! It was scary. I don't want to yell at her or make her spend a session in time out but sometimes that gives her a break to remember that she is NOT the boss. She likes to shove all of her food in her mouth to "get rid of it" so she can go play and it bugs me. Yesterday she (and I) had the scare of a lifetime...she choked! OMG...if I hadn't been so mad at her I would've freaked! I just pulled out her sandwich and she was fine after a few gags. She laid on the couch still scared for a few minutes, so I'm hoping it scared her enough to take it easy and not too much where she's scared of eating. She did eat dinner fine last night, so she seems to understand better.
I'm not able to concentrate much listening to the loud music coming from Natalie's game and she needs her breakfast. I'm hoping my sore bones from bootcamp will ease up so I can function today....especially since I need to run and juggle my girls.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Too much whining....

....makes my head pound! Waking up with a headache sucks. It's like some kind of sick joke. No one who has children should ever get headaches especially after sleeping!! Total unfairness. Today Hayden woke up with her leg stuck in her crib and a mohawk. It was kind of comical cause she didn't seem to care (about either). ha!
Yesterday we tried bananas with her and she looked like she was going to gag with every spoonful, but insisted on more. We'll try again this morning and see what happens. She LOVES LOVES LOVES cereal, so I'm hoping the more normal food she eats (watered down food) the more she'll like it.
Natalie has this funny thing about her morning shows. She wants me to change it (FAST) so she doesn't have to watch this cartoon she doesn't like. I feel like I'm being pulled in all directions now. Hayden is scream with the "grrrrrrrrrrowl" in her throat and Natalie is throwing coins around the room without looking. It's a beautiful day. I hope I survive.

I do love you both even though some days, you are nuts!
:)

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Been a while...


We went on vacation so life has been crazy the last couple of weeks. Vacation was interesting. Lets just say it's hard taking a 5 month old baby on a LONG road trip. Schedules are jacked and you just have to keep rolling even though there is crying and interruption of life as we knew it. It is definitely difficult for me cause I am not a very good traveler, even though I really like traveling...how's that for irony? Natalie was a pro, even though it was the worst she's ever behaved in her life, I can't be too mad at her. She was not eating very well, playing a lot more, having to practice her "sharing" skills with her cousins and learning to listen to her mom and dad even though she didn't think she had to. It was a bunch of lessons learned for all of us! It was chaos a few days out of the week, but she had some great moments too. I'm just glad that for the most part she had fun and she did pretty awesome on the way back. She was definitely ready to be back home. Never once did she scoff at waking up at 4am! Maybe it was the chocolate milk I bought her about an hour and a half out of town that helped. ;)

Hayden seemed to be a little timid with the waves. She didn't like that they came crashing up at her feet when I attempted to let her touch her toes down. But she was more than ok in her pea pod tent, listening to the ocean, playing and sleeping. We didn't spend a lot of time on the beach itself. Natalie was complaining of being hot after the third day there, so we had to find other things to do. She loves the sand and transferring it from the beach to the bucket over and over and over....but with Natalie, we have to change things up because she definitely gets bored easily. We took her to a few little towns around our beach house. Eric and I definitely loved hanging out there and Natalie was cool cause she got to try the ice cream. :)
The Zoo and Gulf Aquarium in the area were pretty cool too, so we had to check them out---we all love animals. Nat had so much fun and you know...so did Hayden! I strapped her into the Bjorn for both visits and she loved looking at the animals! The zoo was great until I took her out of the Bjorn when we were leaving. She threw up several times and I think it had to do with being jostled around. Poor honey bunny. :( She fell asleep in her car seat before I could even finish strapping her in and ended up being just fine.

All in all it was a great trip. The ride home was kinda rough in the last leg. It took us 13 hours and by 10 hours in the girls started getting restless. Hayden has HATED being in her car seat the last few days while we were just running short errands. She's SO over it. She slipped back into her napping routine the day after we got back and has had minimal problems. Looks like she might be back to sleeping till past 8am too! It wasn't fun having both girls in our room on vacation. The sun comes up earlier there cause it's right on the cusp of Eastern time zone. SOOOOOO...Hayden woke up during the 5 o'clock hour almost every morning. Toward the end she waited till 6-something. So it's nice to have them back to normal!

Now I am back to getting my house clean and in order and getting back on our routine. I ran a few times on the beach which was pretty hard....wondering how my run will go today. I skipped bootcamp because I've been exhausted for DAYS and last night I didn't have the energy to even THINK about that early morning workout. I promised Eric I would go on Thursday, I hope that I will feel better and more energized by then.

This was kind of a boring post, but now you are up to date!
Today I am trying banana puree with Hayden. She loves all her cereals so I'm banking on the fact that she will dig the nanners. Also on my list is to look up new projects for Fall! Can't wait for football, cooler weather and decorations!


Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Hayden wants to be a big girl!

So Hayden has been doing so much. She watches very intently while I eat or drink and she wants to try it...ALL. One thing she really loves to try is drinking from my cup! She watches me take a drink and she grabs and licks/chews it while trying to put it up to her mouth! It's hilarity. :) I don't want her to grow up too fast, but apparently, she has other things in mind. Natalie is teaching her so much (like how to be crazy) but really she just wants to be included in everything we do. If we are eating, she wants her cereal and starts squawking for it. I can see Hayden taking over in any situation when it comes to her sister...I hope that Natalie just rolls with it and remembers she has 3 years on her. :) Work together, my little loves, be sisters and be friends. Siblings should always be friends and remember that their relationship is a special one. I consider my brother (your Uncle J)and I VERY close, even though we fought as kids, I loved him then and I love him now. There is likely nothing that could ever sever our relationship...I love him too much! So stick together, my girls and you can't go wrong!

Friday, August 5, 2011

Not an infant anymore!


Yesterday was Hayden's 5 month birthday....yes...every month is a milestone! I was just looking at her yesterday sitting up pretty much unassisted by me looking much older and taller than she had the day before. Well it seemed that way anyway. She is playing more and moving constantly. She even loves jumping in this Jenny Jumpy contraption that you hang on the door frame. It's funny how different the girls are when at this age. Natalie didn't like trying too many new things but Hayden is "down to the grizzound" with trying anything you put her in! She's much more adventurous than my sweet, cautious Natalie was. They both have these amazing qualities and I just feel like the luckiest mommy on the planet!
Happy 5 months Hayden!! It's been such a fantastic journey so far and I know it will only get better! LOVE YOU!!!!

Monday, August 1, 2011

Unbelievable...

It's unbelievable to me how fast a human grows. Hayden is practically sitting up on her own, unassisted and Natalie is becoming more of a kid and less of a toddler with her ideas and all of her new words and actions. Both girls' personalities are opening up like a flower bud and it's pretty amazing to watch. A lot of the time it's like I just noticed that this is going on and that is happening and I think, "how and when did all of this unfold?" It's a great thing being a mom. I get tired, well, exhausted but most days it's a good exhausted. Like, I did my job because both girls are content, sleepy and loved. Not too many people could walk a mile in a stay-at-home parent's shoes...so I'm honored to be one. Life has given me such a fantastic reward in raising these two beautiful girls.

This weekend I made Natalie Dora the Explorer cup cakes. Unfortunately the template that I was supposed to use wouldn't print so I had to wing her hair. :| It was pretty hilarious but it still came out cute, I think. ;) Natalie said, "yea, mom...they look a little like Dora" haha...wow..nice. :)

Friday, July 29, 2011

Centered...sort of

I woke up this morning, and just laid there thinking that the best thing for me to do was get some workout clothes on and in silence, do some yoga moves that I learned. I spent 20 minutes toning and centering myself....stretching out my muscles. I feel SO much better than I normally do when I get up. It almost feels like I've been awake for a few hours! It's amazing...8 yoga moves, repeated twice...and I am centered...well as centered as I can get. I'm even looking forward to my run in a little while...even though I'm still sore from my bootcamp beat down yesterday.

Yesterday I was feeling much better and decided to do a treasure hunt for Natalie. While she was in her room during nap time I got silver confetti and made arrows and clues...even a treasure map! I told her a fairy pirate (uh huh) came in really fast and left it all for her! She followed the map and found her treasure! A sparkly bracelet! She kept asking if we could do it all again. Needless to say she loved it! I love her happiness and her excitement...makes the world go 'round. :)

Thursday, July 28, 2011

Better

I got up before the sun this morning, without cussing too much, got my clothes on and headed to bootcamp. I was more optimistic about putting my all into it. Just so happens that today was a REALLY tough one. First time in a long time that I've wanted to punch our trainer in the face, but you know...I needed it. One thing that keeps me going is knowing that when my body finally decides to drop the weight there will be these amazing ripped muscles hiding underneath. :) If I can't be a thinner me at least I can see that I'm definitely getting toned. Helps me breathe a sigh of relief when I look in the mirror.

Was re-reading some old diary entries from a few years ago and they were so obsessive....so hopeful and so optimistic even on the bad days. I guess the biggest thing that I took from them was that I have always been so positive, even during the dark days. I never really noticed that before, but it was definitely a revelation. After I put the girls down for their naps I laid down in my bed and looked at old photos and reminisced. So by the time the girls got up I had sort of recharged. Natalie and I painted, and then as Hayden played with me and was grabbing my lips and laughing I was even more recharged. My sweet girls just want their mommy happy. I think they are the crazy and the absolutely fantastic part of my life. The balance is what really matters. Balance, Lori...balance.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Blog Break

Seems like I'm chest deep in gabba gabba land today. Sometimes I think this crap fries my brain. So, here I am to take a blog break while Natalie learns how to "get the wiggles out" and watch kids ride around on 2 headed chickens with fins. If you have kids, you know exactly what I'm talking about, everyone else is probably like, "WTH?"
I'm tired of reporting that I am having yet ANOTHER rough day. I can't wait for the day when I can be like, "YEA! Awesome day today!!!!" That WILL be an awesome day. I wish I didn't have all this stress and crazy body image obsession. How the hell am I supposed to teach my daughters to have a great body image if their mom doesn't??? I've had it, what seems like, my whole life. ALWAYS wishing I was thinner. ALWAYS wanting to be like my friends. It seemed like a total unattainable goal. Finally I succeeded at my lifetime goal and got to spend time in a good place. I didn't think too much about my troubles and felt at peace with myself. Now I'm back in that dark place again and it's really annoying. Trying to concentrate on other things besides the "voices" is hard. It makes me feel like I'm in a hole that is taking a LONG time to dig out of. It's SO easy to go the other way and let bad food'" take care of me. I can definitely see how people can just let themselves go, because it's just SO hard. Luckily I have a string or two of hope and determination to keep me going for now. Everyone says "be patient"...but unless you've walked a mile in my shoes you really don't know how you would react. Yea, it's not a horrible problem like, I'm homeless or have a terminal illness, but not having the peace of mind that I had once before, knowing how amazing that felt, is completely awful for me. I'm working through it....taking care of my girls and trying to live my life without feeling like I'm just existing. I sound like a broken record but this blog is my therapy...kinda like my private diary...that I just happen to publish to the public.
This body image obsession is bad for a reason, and I just have to find the root of it and remember that there is always time for change. All I want for my girls is for them to be happy. I want them healthy and to understand that any form of exercise is good and that eating a balanced diet and using moderation is the way to go. NO diets in my house! I am never negative about exercise, I do love it and they know that. I hope they grow up knowing it's just a way of life. Girls, I want you to know that I will never obsess about what you are eating. I will never say anything, even in jest when it comes to your bodies because I know what lasting effects it can have on a person. Trust in the fact that I have your best interests at heart and all mommy can do is teach you what I've learned and hope that you will see yourselves in a positive light. I love you both!

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Going strong.....I think

Still doing decently well with my "something new" and hoping I can keep going strong. Today was bootcamp and I dunno if it was too early for me or if it was a total lack of the energy that I normally have. To top it off there were two new girls who are determined to be better than me. I could smell it. Truthfully it's only supposed to be a competition with yourself, not others.....and today, I just sucked. Even though I really like the diversity of the workouts, I am counting down the weeks I have left. My success is in changing things up so who knows what I will be into when BC is done! I love my Gymbox on our Boxee Box. Yea, don't try to understand that, unless you got one. :) SO many different classes each week that will keep me burnin'!
I'm on the fence about continuing to run full time. Not sure it's because I'm bored of it but I think it's just my personality, I love change. I have no doubt I will run every week for the rest of my life for a nice stress release, but I do plan on spending a lot more time on yoga and pilates. Both of them make me feel so tight, long and lean...it's kind of addicting. When you have a busy 3 year old and an even busier (and teething) 4 month old, some quiet and breathing in deep while you tone your muscles is pretty awesome.
Hayden has started these new sounds. Instead of the constant "mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm" whine that she loved SO very much...it's a lot more babble and squeals. I have to say that even though it's kinda loud, I like it a lot better. :) Natalie always says, "what she sayin?" I hate to tell her but Hayden is constantly squealing to get her attention. She wants her talking or playing with her and gets mad when Nat doesn't come running. :) Wonder if that's a window to their future? I hope Natalie is as good with her in the days, months and years to come as she is now. They get closer by the minute and Natalie already tells her "you are my best friend in the whole wide world" :'-) Makes me so happy to see them SO happy. Life is just so go go go on most days, but I love it when we can all just take a breather and laugh, it's the best moments of my life. Being a mom is tough, especially when you are a mom who continues to work hard on yourself along with everyone else. I can't imagine my life any different though, no matter how crazy my mind feels, it's definitely where I'm meant to be.

Monday, July 25, 2011

Something new, is nothing new

I'm trying something new. I started yesterday and am nervous that I won't follow through. That has always been the trend for me. I try something new and it gets hard or it gets to be something I don't necessarily want to do and I just quit. I just have to stick it out because I am different, I surprisingly see things through more often now.

This weekend was crazy. I feel so overwhelmed, exhausted and drained. I feel like my husband and I need to spend a week on a beach alone to re-energize. It's definitely not time to do so, but one day soon we will find ourselves there and we will be all the better for it and so will our girls.

Natalie finally started to understand how to say her "L" sound! She was saying it as if it were a "W." So last night I taught her how to say it correctly and she got it! No more "Nataweeee"....I will miss that, but I'm sure I haven't heard the last of it!

Friday, July 22, 2011

I sometimes feel weird for being who I am. I guess I think I'm not the norm. Isn't that good though? We are all supposed to be different, otherwise life would be so boring. I don't believe in SO many things the people closest to me do. I am an overprotective mother who survives on a good napping schedule. There are some things that effect the way I think but there are other things that are just built in and I'm ok with that. So why do I feel "weird" sometimes? I think that all my life I've wanted to fit in. I wanted to be like people who were perceived to be "cool" or "popular"...young and old alike. Never discovering my own identity. Here's the simple truth...I like myself. I like looking in the mirror because I feel like sometimes I see a pretty woman. Having moments like that all throughout my life should have constituted me having a healthy self esteem...but it didn't. Anytime I stand next to someone who I think is probably judging me, I feel less confident and like an ugly duckling....SO ridiculous...but something that I just can't seem to get past. I really, really have to work on facing the fear of standing next to someone looking at my reflection next to theirs and realizing we are different and no matter who is standing there, Fiona the Ogre or Jessica Biel....I am still beautiful in my own way. I have to learn this for the sake of my daughters. They must be confident within themselves.....because their mom is.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Morning Reflection...and Coffee

Taking this opportunity to blog while my girls are asleep. I'm so over trying to type with one hand while feeding, doing a puzzle, or peeling a banana.

I had a rough night of NON-sleep last night. I'm not sure if it was a late dinner (protein shake) or what, but it was not good. Could be a combination of the dumb idea to eat an hour before bed (we were at a baseball game and I didn't want to eat junk) and stuff that was on my mind.

I was thinking about how I hope I'm never the type of parent who gets so wrapped up in themselves that they don't seem to have much interest in their child. It's really important to maintain your own identity, to do things for yourself, but as your child grows, I think people lose sight of the fact that the interest needs to remain. Maybe it's because some parents just forget to live in the moment and really soak up the experiences they have with their kids. Things seem to always look better in the future to some. Another theory is that some parents struggle with finding their own identity and just forget about their "little people" even when they are grown.
I made a vow to myself to always tell my girls how proud I am of them, to be interested in their daily lives and make sure they know that they have my support. I never want them to struggle to understand why I am the way that I am and just feel confident that I have their backs no matter what the situation. There is so much in life to stress about, the last thing they need is to question whether or not their parents really care about them over their own self.

I hear my baby crying and know that it's time to set my coffee aside to get cold, and I really don't mind. My need right now is to bask in the love and contentment of my girls and just forget the crappy night. With them comes a fresh start, a new day...and real unconditional love.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Dog Days of Summer

It's hot....I mean, friggin' hot. Seriously...it's mid July, summer's just getting started. We are so in for it....hell....we ARE in it.
I wish it were cooler so I could take my girls out to play. I'm much more likely to mess around outside on colder days over really hot ones. Only time in my life when I've been cold was when I was preggo with Natalie....every other time, HOT. I was thinking I should be used to it since I grew up in the deep south...but no, my hatred is intensified this year. I try to keep myself and my girls out of the heat unless its swimming time....or for early morning workouts. I know, I need to get out of Texas before I spoil. Luckily after we return from vacation we will be literally weeks away from a cool snap.....oh, I hope!
I also hope vacation is a good one. I want no bickering or drama and for my girls to be able to sleep well....that's what would constitute a good and fun trip for me!

Side note...I had a super successful run yesterday. Good pace and I actually really liked it! My enjoyment of running is returning...thank you, running gods!

Thursday, July 14, 2011

New words and learning contexts

Natalie has been surprising me lately with all these new words. She said when I took her to "potty,"..."THIS is a bathroom. THIS is a toilet. Wow, I like your artwork...you make that? It's a masterpiece!" Really? REALLY?? haha...it's pure hilarity. :) Every day I stare at her...soaking her up like a sponge, and every day she seems to change. I don't know how it's possible to watch your child grow up without wanting to scream at the top of your lungs, "SLOW DOWN!!" I get that they have to...ok? I GET IT. But I don't have to like it. I mean I like it, but I don't. Ok, now that I've made my feelings clear (as mud), I digress. I was just telling my husband how I wish Natalie could stay 3 forever...I mean that wouldn't be SO bad, right? I don't think I could get sick of the cuteness that radiates from her on a daily basis. Yeah, there are plenty of W-T-H! moments....but too many adorable ones that seem to just cancel out the not-so-good ones. I know that I have to let go of my selfish wishes because inevitably, I have no choice.

Natalie has become part of Hayden's night time routine, even though they coincide. As soon as Natalie is ready for jammies and Hayden her bottle, it's time for the "Naked Natalie Show!" As Hayden eagerly watches from her perch (in mommy's arms) Natalie runs into the room and shakes her booty and jumps around. Hayden is delighted by the show and laughs hysterically at her sister. It's just the best time of day for me. Not only are they about to go to bed for the night :) but I am also watching two sisters bond through laughter and love. I love you two so much even on days like today when you are crank pots and are determined to have your way.....I love you, yes I do...I love you. :)

Monday, July 11, 2011

Three Years Old

Well, it's official....Natalie is 3 years old! She had SUCH a fantastic time at her party. All her favorite people were there to help celebrate her big day! She couldn't have been happier. Made me overwhelmingly happy to see the joy on her face. :) What was even cooler was her looking for me when I wasn't right there jumping with her, and having her run over to me just to give me a quick hug and kiss and run back to play. I mean, my heart literally grew 100 times that day. It was such an amazing moment for me to know how special I really am to her.
The last three years have been the best of my life. I can't imagine a day without my little "NuNu" She is everything that I want to be.
Natalie you are so smart, so funny and so loving. I admire every part of you and I (reluctantly) can't wait to watch you grow into a vibrant, beautiful woman! :) I love you to the moon and back....times a GA-zillion! :)

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Up to my eyeballs in blue frosting!

Last night I finished the cookies for the gift bags.....even though they aren't as cool as I had hoped....still not too bad. This morning I painted Natalie's toes bright blue to match her party theme, then made bright blue frosting for her birthday cake that will be made tomorrow. Blue frosting is strangely difficult. It didn't become the deep sea blue that I wanted but it's definitely the color of pool water! Ha! Oh well, it matches the plates so that's somethin' ;). Sounds like things are not going that smoothly but honestly I freak out if they do. I know, i know...weird....but in my mind for things to be perfect they have to be flawed in a minor way.

Natalie has been my little taste tester and is loving mommy's yummies! :)
I'm so excited to see her face at her party and watch her play with all that joy and happiness. I hope that both my girls can have a lot of days with those emotions. Witnessing those days will always be priceless gifts for my heart.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

The Bond

I woke up this morning thinking of a special connection moms and their daughters have. Natalie and Hayden both look at me with such admiration even on their bad days and I feel that same admiration for them. Seems like no matter what is going in on in life you can't deny the bond if you have ever had even a thread of it connecting you to someone. I have friends that I don't see every day, every week or even every 6 months but I know we are TRUE friends because we can always pick up where we left off. That's the same with everyone you hold dear to your heart. It doesn't matter what separates you, it's all about how you come back together when you can. Never holding judgement or resentment means real love, real unconditional love.
I'm embarrassed to say but feel the need to get it out there that I have been impressionable too many times in my life, times when I come dangerously close to losing my own opinions, my own thoughts...all the things that make up my identity. My inevitable breaking point, the point when I realize what I'm doing is wrong, is when I start to feel sick to my stomach. SO much negativity and just letting stupid crap get to me really suffocates me. I owe it to my daughters, and to our bond, to be ME. To be the person I am proud of in my mind. This person I know is creative, witty, somewhat intelligent ;) and beautiful. Comparing myself to others on a constant basis, wondering what they think of me and if they accept me is ludicrous. Who gives a good GD what anyone but the people who love me think of me? Obviously they love me as a whole and most likely for all the things that I love about myself.
To our bond, Natalie and Hayden, and to the bond I share with my mom...may they all keep us close and happy and truly connected.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Today started off kinda weird. First Natalie crossed her arms and said "I not forgive you." :-/ Almost simultaneously Hayden tried to suffocate herself as she shielded her eyes from the light while drinking her bottle. To add chaos to the mix, we have been fly hunters today....like lions in the grass, lying in wait for our prey. We did a lot of BBQ-ing this weekend so combine that with people in and out, and in and out...and you've got house fly infestation. HATE flies. Now that I think of it, today has been more comical than weird.
I woke up several times last night overly anxious of the thought of going to bootcamp class which wasn't seeming like a fantastic idea to my exhausted mind, body and spirit. After several arguments with myself at home and in the car...even in the parking lot...I decided to just suck it up and commence with my morning butt kicking.
I have birthday cake stress. My Natalie is turning 3 this Saturday and I have to think of the best "platform" for the sponge bob extravaganza I got to decorate the cake. A platform that doesn't consist of 15lbs of cake! I think a round 2 or 3 layer cake is fine....I think.

Have I ever discussed how a whining baby is like nails scratching down a chalkboard? Poor baby fights her sleepiness cause she's not fan of afternoon naps in her room...night time, she's down.....afternoon is angry time for her. Poor baby, poor mommy. :(. Bad naps are like krytonite for us stay-at-homers cause there's so much to do and let's face it we are crippled by a screaming unhappy baby.

Somehow I have to figure out the best strategy to get through everything I need to get done today...here goes.

Sunday, July 3, 2011

My Thoughts

Today has been an emotional day for me....for whatever reason. Could be chemical or could be stress of the every day chaos. Whatever it is, it has gotten the best of me. I really wish I could explain it just by the look on my face because trying to put it all into words feels near impossible. Most days I feel like there is no peace in my mind so I guess that's the best way I can put it.
After I had my third breakdown in 24 hours I had a "come to Jesus" moment with myself. I realized that yes, my girls do offer up a lot of tension for me just because I want "this" for them or "that" and realizing that maybe I'm not doing the most important things enough.
I'm also completely stressed about my baby weight and how difficult it has been to lose it. It doesn't seem fair that I work so hard and nothing comes from it, well, nothing but stress. I am tired. Tired of all the drama in my head...tired of not accepting myself and tired of measuring myself by what I think are other people's standards or goals. I used to love to run and do other workouts but then I just got so obsessed with it that my body got burnt out. I feel like with a new mind set my love of it all will come back and I will hopefully stop stressing over it and just accept me for me. I mean what other choice do I have? I have control over that part of my life so eliminating that aspect from my mountain of worries will make it more like a manageable hill I can climb.

Friday, July 1, 2011

Reminiscing




I've been going through a bunch of old photos and short videos of Natalie. I can't wrap my brain around the fact that she is going to be 3 years old in like 8 days. It's so bittersweet for me. Seems like she's been in my life forever, like I've never known any other moment without her. I always felt like she was a miracle...I wanted her so bad and never thought she would happen. It was all so amazing and surreal and she changed me the minute I found out I was pregnant. One thing I could have never understood while being preggo was just how special it feels to be a mom. To see your baby look up at you, depending on you to help them with whatever they need. It's a lot of pressure when you look back on the very beginning of their little lives, but while it's happening it seems like no big deal because it all gets done without thinking, just feeling. It's true when people say "I would do anything for my kids." That is a phrase that surges through your veins the very minute your child is born.
Sometimes life gets so crazy and no matter how bad you want every day to be fun and perfect for your babies, it just doesn't work out that way. We are all human and we all have good and bad days. The thing I have to keep reminding myself is that no matter what happens on a day to day basis you always have to try to make each day better than the one before it. Things get hairy when it comes to working on establishing a nap routine for a new baby, making sure both kids have a good amount of stimulation throughout the day, thinking of healthy recipes to feed to a semi-picky child, worrying about b-day parties and the inevitable future....but all that matters is that at the end of the day they both look at me with contentment. Even though they don't understand what Mommy goes through on a daily basis they still seem pretty happy with the job I've done, even on the days when I think I didn't do so great. The feeling the girls give me at the end of a long day presents me with the power to get up the next morning and try it all over again. My hope is that they grow up knowing how much I love them and how important they are to me. I want to be the kind of parent that my kids will feel comfortable talking to. Never to be judged or doubted. Even in what a few people assume is a "subtle" approach it completely effects the way a person deals with adult relationships and forces you to re-think how you communicate. SO, from the get go I am making it my mission to understand my kids' feelings and approach them accordingly. I know that I slip up on occasion and I probably will a few more times in my life, but I always bring myself back to what is really important for them.
I'm not perfect, I'm a mom. :)

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Clean Bill of Health.....for now


I celebrate with this picture of me at a healthy and decently fit weight just a year ago....before I got preggo. I was SO proud of myself and it showed.

Today I got the test results back from all the blood work I had done last week. Turns out I'm normal! That's something I've never been diagnosed with..."normalcy." So according to the blood test I no longer have PCOS...I just wonder if an ultrasound would show something different....but I'll be back to check in 3 months. Hopefully with a lowered calorie count and my normal exercise activity I will be able to lose weight and keep that sucker at bay! I asked the doctor if it was too soon after my pregnancy to be testing and she said "no, not at all...maybe your pregnancy cured you." I dunno about that but it is kind of a cool thought...Hayden gave me super powers and those powers have longevity! :)
One crazy thing is after a Resting Metabolism test they determined I have a fast metabolism. I kept checking to make sure it was my test and not someone else. She suggested I eat fewer calories...WAY fewer but I had to modify to slightly higher to give me enough sustenance to fuel my workouts. I'm willing to put in all the hard work to stay healthy and get back into my jeans!

Here's to going in the right direction and hopefully ending up on top of my game!

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Day has begun

Yesterday was a crappy day for me, but I got up early this morning to go to my boot camp class and I'm glad I did. Not only to step away from it all but to try to burn off some stress. I think it worked. I didn't really think about anything but exactly what was going on in class each moment. I think that + sweating = a less edgy me. I only go twice a week but it's a great workout and I don't have to miss any time with the family. Did I mention, though, that it's REALLY early?? 5:30am is crazy time (I don't think even the roosters are up that early), but it's better than trying to do anything in the 150 degree heat in the late afternoon times which would definitely cause "skipidge.":) I attempted to run a 5K at 7pm on Saturday and it straight killed me. I consider it a massive failure because I had to stop and walk too many times. The combination of the heat, sun in my face and the fact that it was the end of the day was just a recipe for disaster for my body. The girls were there with my husband and I felt so bad for them. They were both so flushed and sweaty but Natalie got ice cream and Hayden snuggled a water bottle to stay cool. It was nice to get out of there but at least I can say Natalie had fun with dancing and people watching and of course the Mexican Vanilla. :)
OK...here goes today.............milk, breakfast, Hayden....etc, etc, etc....

Monday, June 27, 2011

Mom's day and stuff....

So today has been SUPER emotional. Not sure what is going on but definitely can't wait to get back to the doctor this week to see what exactly is causing it. MEDICATE ME!! ha...
Hayden did so well with her naps on Thursday and Friday of last week. Saturday was kinda messed up because we were out and about so much then I did a 5k that evening with Aunt Lynda. It was HOT and my poor girls looked sweaty and sleepy by the time we had finished. I think Natalie had a good time with the live music and some dancing in the grass. They had a fun-filled weekend with all their cousins and Uncle J and Aunt Lynda. Swimming, chasing, dancing, etc! :) I'm glad they get to have weekends like that once in a while.
I was tired when it was all over...actually MORE than tired. Sunday wasn't restful. If I wasn't taking care of Hayden who refused to nap, I was cleaning or playing with Natalie. She had so much fun playing with me in her room. At one point she stopped and stared at me as we giggled and then as she leaped at me for a hug she said,"I just LOVE YOU MAMA!" It was the sweetest thing. I swear she is the reason I get up in the morning. Both my girls are...because I feel true love from them. The way that they need me is unbelievably wonderful and no matter what kind of rotten day I'm having (chemical or mental or both) I never stop loving them and what they do for me on a minute to minute basis. My heart beats for them. I'm so glad that I know them and that they are me.
I keep thinking about wanting to own a bakery. I feel like every day I have a new idea for a cookie filling, or a frosting or even some weird guilty pleasure like, "cookies and dip." haha...well, it's yummy!! For now I think all my baking is for the babies only and if I ever get good enough and feel like doing that again after the girls graduate high school, I will give it a go. I just can't see me doing anything that takes me away from them or being there for them....as much as possible. I can't help that they are my life, my obsession, my absolute EVERYthing.
I love you both to the moon and back and I'm so happy that you are mine. :)

Thursday, June 16, 2011

The girls are growing and growing and growing! Natalie's hair is getting longer and so is Hayden's. :). Can't wait to say adios to the buzz cut look on her. Both girls are like sponges and it's hard to refrain and not be my true self. ;). I want them to know me but sometimes maybe they know too much. It's hard to think of yourself as a super mom., made of steal and cookie dough, when there are so many weak moments. My goal is to be the best I can be every day and take it moment to moment. If I can outnumber the bad moments with the good ones I can go to bed happy knowing I truly did my best. I'm ready for Hayden to get more active which to some might be "famous last words" but I think it will help a lot when it comes to playing with Natalie and doing projects. Everybody can be involved. :)
My big girl is going to be 3 in 3 weeks and 2 days! I just can't believe how fast the time goes. I still remember every single part of my pregnancy. How predictable and calm she was. How amazing it felt to feel her little limb roll across my ribs for the first time...it was the greatest feeling I think I had ever had up to that point. I remember all the way back to feeling hopeless about having a child and everything we went through just to see her beautiful face. I love u so much my Natalie and I can't wait to see your face at your birthday celebration!

Friday, June 10, 2011

Words and Feelings

I go through so many emotions and feelings throughout the day. Happiness, exhaustion, fear, sadness and just plain feeling overwhelmed. BUT the best outweighs the worst every day no matter how crazy things get. I still go to bed feeling so in love with my babies, so fortunate and so grateful.
I place so much pressure on myself to be THE best mom I can be and so many days I feel like "wow, I was a waste of space today." What's funny is those days I feel less than adequate Natalie and Hayden seem to sense it and want to snuggle or make me smile in any way they can. At the end of the day, I must be doing something right because they both want me around and love me so much.
I get inspired by lots of things, but an inspiring moment that I think I will always keep close to my heart came from my 3 year old. Hayden was laying down on the couch and Natalie leaned in close and said, "my heart is you." I'm not sure where she heard that or where it came from, but it was followed by a kiss and it made MY heart soar. :)
What it showed me was that love is so innocent, so influenced by everyday moments, so unconditional and so so so beautiful.
I think that everyone goes through rough patches in their lives as they adjust to new things that come and go. One thing I want my girls to know is that when you feel love you should show love. Regardless of the outcome, you will always feel good about being true to your heart. Being genuine is the greatest thing you can do for yourself and others.
Mama loves you both, and that's me being me. :)
XO,
Mom

Friday, May 20, 2011

Life

Life is pretty good. Both girls sleep through the night and that makes me the happiest mommy on the planet! :) Hayden is struggling with a day time nap routine. She did good the first day, but the rest of the week has been a little crazy.
She really prefers to sleep in her "boppy" chair...next to me. :) I can't listen to her cry, like they tell you to, for 30 minutes...I guess cause I know her different cries. I know when she's just whining and when she's really upset. Seems like every time I give in and go up to her room, she has actual tears coming out of her eyes and my heart breaks. :( I'm sure one day she will be ok with taking her naps in her bed but for now we will do what we can to make her comfortable. I don't really care where she sleeps as long as she sleeps!
Two days ago (May 18) she laughed for the first time. Not just a chuckle but a full on laugh. It was SOOOOOOOOO cute...and who made her laugh? Her daddy, of course! I dunno if she laughed at the sunglasses on his head or just his shiny bald head. Either way, she found whatever he was doing, hysterical.

Life is going and going. The girls are growing up so fast! Sometimes I feel like I don't do enough for them. Like I'm not as fun as Natalie wishes I would be, but I try the best I can, only, I think I can try harder. I don't want anything intruding on our family time, especially in the evenings when we are all together. I signed up for a 4 week fitness boot camp but the only way I would do it is if it was in the morning...EARLY morning....cause I didn't want it to encroach on the time we have together. So I started yesterday, and had to get up at ten till 5 am....yikes. It was fun and it's a great way to shake up my fitness. It also allows me get out on my own to work on myself. I'm really proud of me for having the discipline and I HOPE that I can keep it going, for me, for them...for all of us. When I have something to work on for me it makes me a better wife and mother.
Next in line for life's fun times is Natalie's 3rd birthday!! I have picked the invitations, booked the place and am trying to figure out a theme for the cake and decorations. Nat keeps changing her mind so hopefully she'll pick something at least a week before the party. I hope...

One fun thing that Natalie really enjoys is having her toe nails painted. It's something she and I can do together without involving her little sister. She seems to respond happily to stuff without her sister. Jealousy is starting to rear it's ugly head but that's life. Whatever I can do to have alone time with each girl will help them in the long run when they come together. To know that mom loved them each as individuals and as a team. :)
Love you, my girls!
XO,
MOM

Monday, May 9, 2011

Mother's Day


So I was wanting to write something poetic and profound about Mother's Day. I can't think that descriptive right now. :) I will just say that being a mother is the single greatest thing I've ever had the pleasure of doing in my life. It's no doubt a crazy life and full of it's ups and downs but all of it combined makes the perfect life for me. I think people forget to thank the man in their lives, because lets face it, without them we wouldn't be mothers. Am I right or am I right? ;) Not only did my husband assist in making me a mother, but he assists in keeping me grounded and my sanity intact so that I can be a good mother. For that and all other things I'm eternally grateful for the man he is and for the love he gives.

My girls, my babies, my friends, my loves....
I couldn't have hand picked two better people to be my children. Even though you are still growing and learning about life and how things work, you are remarkable. Natalie, I've watched you be cautious and sweet from the first day of your life. You were predictable and on a schedule from the womb. :) I respect your independence and your vivid imagination because that is SO me. :) I'm glad that I was able to pass that along to you. I am also completely blown away by how you embraced your little sister from the time we found out together that mommy was pregnant to now, you love and cherish everything about your future best friend. I'm proud of how well you've accepted the changes that came with her.
Hayden, from 7 weeks I knew you were a fighter. When I thought I lost you, you were right there flourishing and assuring me that you were gonna make it. You faced that adversity for the next 14 weeks and came out on top! :) Even though I know Natalie will be your big sis, you will most definitely be her protector. :)
I love you both for who you are and who you will become. You are both amazing and I couldn't possibly love you more. Thanks for being the "eggs" that beat out everyone in my my crazy ovaries and for making the journey that made me your mommy. :)
XOXOXO,
Mom

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Sisterly Love


So yesterday was the first day that I actually stopped seeing fear in Hayden's eyes whenever Natalie came close to her and started seeing excitement. Watching them light up when they see each other is pure magic. Hayden is even starting to get mad when Natalie walks away from playing with her....adorable.
Natalie has no trouble talking to anyone and being social, which I think might be an understatement. She introduced her sister to a couple of girls yesterday at Target, saying "this is Hayden." I all of a sudden got a vision of them at school, or at parties and Natalie having her sister's back and introducing her to the world which makes me so happy!
It's amazing to see their bond is sprouting. I feel so honored to be able to watch it grow and flourish.
I love you my little girls and I hope that you will be the best of friends throughout your lives and never forget the love that you have for your sister.
XO,
Mom