Centered...sort of

I woke up this morning, and just laid there thinking that the best thing for me to do was get some workout clothes on and in silence, do some yoga moves that I learned. I spent 20 minutes toning and centering myself....stretching out my muscles. I feel SO much better than I normally do when I get up. It almost feels like I've been awake for a few hours! It's amazing...8 yoga moves, repeated twice...and I am centered...well as centered as I can get. I'm even looking forward to my run in a little while...even though I'm still sore from my bootcamp beat down yesterday.

Yesterday I was feeling much better and decided to do a treasure hunt for Natalie. While she was in her room during nap time I got silver confetti and made arrows and clues...even a treasure map! I told her a fairy pirate (uh huh) came in really fast and left it all for her! She followed the map and found her treasure! A sparkly bracelet! She kept asking if we could do it all again. Needless to say she loved it! I love her happiness and her excitement...makes the world go 'round. :)

Better

I got up before the sun this morning, without cussing too much, got my clothes on and headed to bootcamp. I was more optimistic about putting my all into it. Just so happens that today was a REALLY tough one. First time in a long time that I've wanted to punch our trainer in the face, but you know...I needed it. One thing that keeps me going is knowing that when my body finally decides to drop the weight there will be these amazing ripped muscles hiding underneath. :) If I can't be a thinner me at least I can see that I'm definitely getting toned. Helps me breathe a sigh of relief when I look in the mirror.

Was re-reading some old diary entries from a few years ago and they were so obsessive....so hopeful and so optimistic even on the bad days. I guess the biggest thing that I took from them was that I have always been so positive, even during the dark days. I never really noticed that before, but it was definitely a revelation. After I put the girls down for their naps I laid down in my bed and looked at old photos and reminisced. So by the time the girls got up I had sort of recharged. Natalie and I painted, and then as Hayden played with me and was grabbing my lips and laughing I was even more recharged. My sweet girls just want their mommy happy. I think they are the crazy and the absolutely fantastic part of my life. The balance is what really matters. Balance, Lori...balance.

Blog Break

Seems like I'm chest deep in gabba gabba land today. Sometimes I think this crap fries my brain. So, here I am to take a blog break while Natalie learns how to "get the wiggles out" and watch kids ride around on 2 headed chickens with fins. If you have kids, you know exactly what I'm talking about, everyone else is probably like, "WTH?"
I'm tired of reporting that I am having yet ANOTHER rough day. I can't wait for the day when I can be like, "YEA! Awesome day today!!!!" That WILL be an awesome day. I wish I didn't have all this stress and crazy body image obsession. How the hell am I supposed to teach my daughters to have a great body image if their mom doesn't??? I've had it, what seems like, my whole life. ALWAYS wishing I was thinner. ALWAYS wanting to be like my friends. It seemed like a total unattainable goal. Finally I succeeded at my lifetime goal and got to spend time in a good place. I didn't think too much about my troubles and felt at peace with myself. Now I'm back in that dark place again and it's really annoying. Trying to concentrate on other things besides the "voices" is hard. It makes me feel like I'm in a hole that is taking a LONG time to dig out of. It's SO easy to go the other way and let bad food'" take care of me. I can definitely see how people can just let themselves go, because it's just SO hard. Luckily I have a string or two of hope and determination to keep me going for now. Everyone says "be patient"...but unless you've walked a mile in my shoes you really don't know how you would react. Yea, it's not a horrible problem like, I'm homeless or have a terminal illness, but not having the peace of mind that I had once before, knowing how amazing that felt, is completely awful for me. I'm working through it....taking care of my girls and trying to live my life without feeling like I'm just existing. I sound like a broken record but this blog is my therapy...kinda like my private diary...that I just happen to publish to the public.
This body image obsession is bad for a reason, and I just have to find the root of it and remember that there is always time for change. All I want for my girls is for them to be happy. I want them healthy and to understand that any form of exercise is good and that eating a balanced diet and using moderation is the way to go. NO diets in my house! I am never negative about exercise, I do love it and they know that. I hope they grow up knowing it's just a way of life. Girls, I want you to know that I will never obsess about what you are eating. I will never say anything, even in jest when it comes to your bodies because I know what lasting effects it can have on a person. Trust in the fact that I have your best interests at heart and all mommy can do is teach you what I've learned and hope that you will see yourselves in a positive light. I love you both!

Going strong.....I think

Still doing decently well with my "something new" and hoping I can keep going strong. Today was bootcamp and I dunno if it was too early for me or if it was a total lack of the energy that I normally have. To top it off there were two new girls who are determined to be better than me. I could smell it. Truthfully it's only supposed to be a competition with yourself, not others.....and today, I just sucked. Even though I really like the diversity of the workouts, I am counting down the weeks I have left. My success is in changing things up so who knows what I will be into when BC is done! I love my Gymbox on our Boxee Box. Yea, don't try to understand that, unless you got one. :) SO many different classes each week that will keep me burnin'!
I'm on the fence about continuing to run full time. Not sure it's because I'm bored of it but I think it's just my personality, I love change. I have no doubt I will run every week for the rest of my life for a nice stress release, but I do plan on spending a lot more time on yoga and pilates. Both of them make me feel so tight, long and lean...it's kind of addicting. When you have a busy 3 year old and an even busier (and teething) 4 month old, some quiet and breathing in deep while you tone your muscles is pretty awesome.
Hayden has started these new sounds. Instead of the constant "mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm" whine that she loved SO very much...it's a lot more babble and squeals. I have to say that even though it's kinda loud, I like it a lot better. :) Natalie always says, "what she sayin?" I hate to tell her but Hayden is constantly squealing to get her attention. She wants her talking or playing with her and gets mad when Nat doesn't come running. :) Wonder if that's a window to their future? I hope Natalie is as good with her in the days, months and years to come as she is now. They get closer by the minute and Natalie already tells her "you are my best friend in the whole wide world" :'-) Makes me so happy to see them SO happy. Life is just so go go go on most days, but I love it when we can all just take a breather and laugh, it's the best moments of my life. Being a mom is tough, especially when you are a mom who continues to work hard on yourself along with everyone else. I can't imagine my life any different though, no matter how crazy my mind feels, it's definitely where I'm meant to be.

Something new, is nothing new

I'm trying something new. I started yesterday and am nervous that I won't follow through. That has always been the trend for me. I try something new and it gets hard or it gets to be something I don't necessarily want to do and I just quit. I just have to stick it out because I am different, I surprisingly see things through more often now.

This weekend was crazy. I feel so overwhelmed, exhausted and drained. I feel like my husband and I need to spend a week on a beach alone to re-energize. It's definitely not time to do so, but one day soon we will find ourselves there and we will be all the better for it and so will our girls.

Natalie finally started to understand how to say her "L" sound! She was saying it as if it were a "W." So last night I taught her how to say it correctly and she got it! No more "Nataweeee"....I will miss that, but I'm sure I haven't heard the last of it!

I sometimes feel weird for being who I am. I guess I think I'm not the norm. Isn't that good though? We are all supposed to be different, otherwise life would be so boring. I don't believe in SO many things the people closest to me do. I am an overprotective mother who survives on a good napping schedule. There are some things that effect the way I think but there are other things that are just built in and I'm ok with that. So why do I feel "weird" sometimes? I think that all my life I've wanted to fit in. I wanted to be like people who were perceived to be "cool" or "popular"...young and old alike. Never discovering my own identity. Here's the simple truth...I like myself. I like looking in the mirror because I feel like sometimes I see a pretty woman. Having moments like that all throughout my life should have constituted me having a healthy self esteem...but it didn't. Anytime I stand next to someone who I think is probably judging me, I feel less confident and like an ugly duckling....SO ridiculous...but something that I just can't seem to get past. I really, really have to work on facing the fear of standing next to someone looking at my reflection next to theirs and realizing we are different and no matter who is standing there, Fiona the Ogre or Jessica Biel....I am still beautiful in my own way. I have to learn this for the sake of my daughters. They must be confident within themselves.....because their mom is.

Morning Reflection...and Coffee

Taking this opportunity to blog while my girls are asleep. I'm so over trying to type with one hand while feeding, doing a puzzle, or peeling a banana.

I had a rough night of NON-sleep last night. I'm not sure if it was a late dinner (protein shake) or what, but it was not good. Could be a combination of the dumb idea to eat an hour before bed (we were at a baseball game and I didn't want to eat junk) and stuff that was on my mind.

I was thinking about how I hope I'm never the type of parent who gets so wrapped up in themselves that they don't seem to have much interest in their child. It's really important to maintain your own identity, to do things for yourself, but as your child grows, I think people lose sight of the fact that the interest needs to remain. Maybe it's because some parents just forget to live in the moment and really soak up the experiences they have with their kids. Things seem to always look better in the future to some. Another theory is that some parents struggle with finding their own identity and just forget about their "little people" even when they are grown.
I made a vow to myself to always tell my girls how proud I am of them, to be interested in their daily lives and make sure they know that they have my support. I never want them to struggle to understand why I am the way that I am and just feel confident that I have their backs no matter what the situation. There is so much in life to stress about, the last thing they need is to question whether or not their parents really care about them over their own self.

I hear my baby crying and know that it's time to set my coffee aside to get cold, and I really don't mind. My need right now is to bask in the love and contentment of my girls and just forget the crappy night. With them comes a fresh start, a new day...and real unconditional love.

Dog Days of Summer

It's hot....I mean, friggin' hot. Seriously...it's mid July, summer's just getting started. We are so in for it....hell....we ARE in it.
I wish it were cooler so I could take my girls out to play. I'm much more likely to mess around outside on colder days over really hot ones. Only time in my life when I've been cold was when I was preggo with Natalie....every other time, HOT. I was thinking I should be used to it since I grew up in the deep south...but no, my hatred is intensified this year. I try to keep myself and my girls out of the heat unless its swimming time....or for early morning workouts. I know, I need to get out of Texas before I spoil. Luckily after we return from vacation we will be literally weeks away from a cool snap.....oh, I hope!
I also hope vacation is a good one. I want no bickering or drama and for my girls to be able to sleep well....that's what would constitute a good and fun trip for me!

Side note...I had a super successful run yesterday. Good pace and I actually really liked it! My enjoyment of running is returning...thank you, running gods!

New words and learning contexts

Natalie has been surprising me lately with all these new words. She said when I took her to "potty,"..."THIS is a bathroom. THIS is a toilet. Wow, I like your artwork...you make that? It's a masterpiece!" Really? REALLY?? haha...it's pure hilarity. :) Every day I stare at her...soaking her up like a sponge, and every day she seems to change. I don't know how it's possible to watch your child grow up without wanting to scream at the top of your lungs, "SLOW DOWN!!" I get that they have to...ok? I GET IT. But I don't have to like it. I mean I like it, but I don't. Ok, now that I've made my feelings clear (as mud), I digress. I was just telling my husband how I wish Natalie could stay 3 forever...I mean that wouldn't be SO bad, right? I don't think I could get sick of the cuteness that radiates from her on a daily basis. Yeah, there are plenty of W-T-H! moments....but too many adorable ones that seem to just cancel out the not-so-good ones. I know that I have to let go of my selfish wishes because inevitably, I have no choice.

Natalie has become part of Hayden's night time routine, even though they coincide. As soon as Natalie is ready for jammies and Hayden her bottle, it's time for the "Naked Natalie Show!" As Hayden eagerly watches from her perch (in mommy's arms) Natalie runs into the room and shakes her booty and jumps around. Hayden is delighted by the show and laughs hysterically at her sister. It's just the best time of day for me. Not only are they about to go to bed for the night :) but I am also watching two sisters bond through laughter and love. I love you two so much even on days like today when you are crank pots and are determined to have your way.....I love you, yes I do...I love you. :)

Three Years Old

Well, it's official....Natalie is 3 years old! She had SUCH a fantastic time at her party. All her favorite people were there to help celebrate her big day! She couldn't have been happier. Made me overwhelmingly happy to see the joy on her face. :) What was even cooler was her looking for me when I wasn't right there jumping with her, and having her run over to me just to give me a quick hug and kiss and run back to play. I mean, my heart literally grew 100 times that day. It was such an amazing moment for me to know how special I really am to her.
The last three years have been the best of my life. I can't imagine a day without my little "NuNu" She is everything that I want to be.
Natalie you are so smart, so funny and so loving. I admire every part of you and I (reluctantly) can't wait to watch you grow into a vibrant, beautiful woman! :) I love you to the moon and back....times a GA-zillion! :)

Up to my eyeballs in blue frosting!

Last night I finished the cookies for the gift bags.....even though they aren't as cool as I had hoped....still not too bad. This morning I painted Natalie's toes bright blue to match her party theme, then made bright blue frosting for her birthday cake that will be made tomorrow. Blue frosting is strangely difficult. It didn't become the deep sea blue that I wanted but it's definitely the color of pool water! Ha! Oh well, it matches the plates so that's somethin' ;). Sounds like things are not going that smoothly but honestly I freak out if they do. I know, i know...weird....but in my mind for things to be perfect they have to be flawed in a minor way.

Natalie has been my little taste tester and is loving mommy's yummies! :)
I'm so excited to see her face at her party and watch her play with all that joy and happiness. I hope that both my girls can have a lot of days with those emotions. Witnessing those days will always be priceless gifts for my heart.

The Bond

I woke up this morning thinking of a special connection moms and their daughters have. Natalie and Hayden both look at me with such admiration even on their bad days and I feel that same admiration for them. Seems like no matter what is going in on in life you can't deny the bond if you have ever had even a thread of it connecting you to someone. I have friends that I don't see every day, every week or even every 6 months but I know we are TRUE friends because we can always pick up where we left off. That's the same with everyone you hold dear to your heart. It doesn't matter what separates you, it's all about how you come back together when you can. Never holding judgement or resentment means real love, real unconditional love.
I'm embarrassed to say but feel the need to get it out there that I have been impressionable too many times in my life, times when I come dangerously close to losing my own opinions, my own thoughts...all the things that make up my identity. My inevitable breaking point, the point when I realize what I'm doing is wrong, is when I start to feel sick to my stomach. SO much negativity and just letting stupid crap get to me really suffocates me. I owe it to my daughters, and to our bond, to be ME. To be the person I am proud of in my mind. This person I know is creative, witty, somewhat intelligent ;) and beautiful. Comparing myself to others on a constant basis, wondering what they think of me and if they accept me is ludicrous. Who gives a good GD what anyone but the people who love me think of me? Obviously they love me as a whole and most likely for all the things that I love about myself.
To our bond, Natalie and Hayden, and to the bond I share with my mom...may they all keep us close and happy and truly connected.

Today started off kinda weird. First Natalie crossed her arms and said "I not forgive you." :-/ Almost simultaneously Hayden tried to suffocate herself as she shielded her eyes from the light while drinking her bottle. To add chaos to the mix, we have been fly hunters today....like lions in the grass, lying in wait for our prey. We did a lot of BBQ-ing this weekend so combine that with people in and out, and in and out...and you've got house fly infestation. HATE flies. Now that I think of it, today has been more comical than weird.
I woke up several times last night overly anxious of the thought of going to bootcamp class which wasn't seeming like a fantastic idea to my exhausted mind, body and spirit. After several arguments with myself at home and in the car...even in the parking lot...I decided to just suck it up and commence with my morning butt kicking.
I have birthday cake stress. My Natalie is turning 3 this Saturday and I have to think of the best "platform" for the sponge bob extravaganza I got to decorate the cake. A platform that doesn't consist of 15lbs of cake! I think a round 2 or 3 layer cake is fine....I think.

Have I ever discussed how a whining baby is like nails scratching down a chalkboard? Poor baby fights her sleepiness cause she's not fan of afternoon naps in her room...night time, she's down.....afternoon is angry time for her. Poor baby, poor mommy. :(. Bad naps are like krytonite for us stay-at-homers cause there's so much to do and let's face it we are crippled by a screaming unhappy baby.

Somehow I have to figure out the best strategy to get through everything I need to get done today...here goes.

My Thoughts

Today has been an emotional day for me....for whatever reason. Could be chemical or could be stress of the every day chaos. Whatever it is, it has gotten the best of me. I really wish I could explain it just by the look on my face because trying to put it all into words feels near impossible. Most days I feel like there is no peace in my mind so I guess that's the best way I can put it.
After I had my third breakdown in 24 hours I had a "come to Jesus" moment with myself. I realized that yes, my girls do offer up a lot of tension for me just because I want "this" for them or "that" and realizing that maybe I'm not doing the most important things enough.
I'm also completely stressed about my baby weight and how difficult it has been to lose it. It doesn't seem fair that I work so hard and nothing comes from it, well, nothing but stress. I am tired. Tired of all the drama in my head...tired of not accepting myself and tired of measuring myself by what I think are other people's standards or goals. I used to love to run and do other workouts but then I just got so obsessed with it that my body got burnt out. I feel like with a new mind set my love of it all will come back and I will hopefully stop stressing over it and just accept me for me. I mean what other choice do I have? I have control over that part of my life so eliminating that aspect from my mountain of worries will make it more like a manageable hill I can climb.

Reminiscing

I've been going through a bunch of old photos and short videos of Natalie. I can't wrap my brain around the fact that she is going to be 3 years old in like 8 days. It's so bittersweet for me. Seems like she's been in my life forever, like I've never known any other moment without her. I always felt like she was a miracle...I wanted her so bad and never thought she would happen. It was all so amazing and surreal and she changed me the minute I found out I was pregnant. One thing I could have never understood while being preggo was just how special it feels to be a mom. To see your baby look up at you, depending on you to help them with whatever they need. It's a lot of pressure when you look back on the very beginning of their little lives, but while it's happening it seems like no big deal because it all gets done without thinking, just feeling. It's true when people say "I would do anything for my kids." That is a phrase that surges through your veins the very minute your child is born.
Sometimes life gets so crazy and no matter how bad you want every day to be fun and perfect for your babies, it just doesn't work out that way. We are all human and we all have good and bad days. The thing I have to keep reminding myself is that no matter what happens on a day to day basis you always have to try to make each day better than the one before it. Things get hairy when it comes to working on establishing a nap routine for a new baby, making sure both kids have a good amount of stimulation throughout the day, thinking of healthy recipes to feed to a semi-picky child, worrying about b-day parties and the inevitable future....but all that matters is that at the end of the day they both look at me with contentment. Even though they don't understand what Mommy goes through on a daily basis they still seem pretty happy with the job I've done, even on the days when I think I didn't do so great. The feeling the girls give me at the end of a long day presents me with the power to get up the next morning and try it all over again. My hope is that they grow up knowing how much I love them and how important they are to me. I want to be the kind of parent that my kids will feel comfortable talking to. Never to be judged or doubted. Even in what a few people assume is a "subtle" approach it completely effects the way a person deals with adult relationships and forces you to re-think how you communicate. SO, from the get go I am making it my mission to understand my kids' feelings and approach them accordingly. I know that I slip up on occasion and I probably will a few more times in my life, but I always bring myself back to what is really important for them.
I'm not perfect, I'm a mom. :)