At the End of the Day

I have good days, I have bad days...just like any other mom. I'm not even sure it is really PPD or if it's lack of sleep+lack of control+2 kids who need me simultaneously+wishing I could be a better mom to both of them. To me the latter equation is more of what I feel and much less clinical than I thought. Finding a groove is key to any mother's survival. I know it just takes time and at the end of the day, it's all over and I get to start over again in the morning, whatever time Hayden decides that will be!
I try hard every day to just pick myself up and shut my eyes during the "scary" parts of the emotional roller coaster and wait for them to be over. I end the day feeling bad that I didn't do MORE to be fun for Natalie or pay closer attention to her chit chat. She acts out more than she ever has and I thought "well it's the terrible twos" but I think it has more to do with the fact that Hayden needs me ALL the time and Natalie has kinda taken a back seat, unintentionally. She's so great with Hayden, even with her moments of mild violence toward her :), she's so great and loves her sister with all her heart. When you see these sisters look at each other, you can feel the love. I don't see the fear in Hayden's eyes anymore, which is good. haha....
Natalie, I have been making a point ever since I got too preggo to give you baths and Daddy had to take over, to make sure I spend some quality time with you afterward to read you stories, sing songs with you and just talk about our day. It's my favorite time of day, alone time with my NuNu. :) It's so fun to giggle, discover our silly shadows cast by your monkey night light and sing the ABCs softly with you. I hope you know how much Mommy truly loves you and that I never want you to feel like you are less special or important now that your sister is here. I love you both to the moon and back and I hope you always know that I couldn't be happier being your Mommy. :)
XO,
Mom

Whine, cry, spit up, repeat

That's the day I'm having today. Last night's sleep was lacking during some hours and full of tension during others. I kept hearing Hayden making coughing, spit up and gurgling sounds....oh yea and the grunt that she has become so famous for. Its so hard to sleep when I am scared she's gagging. :( She's having trouble resting/sleeping so that puts me on edge. I can't function if my girls don't get adequate rest. Hoping for a better day tomorrow especially since we are going to Hayden's doctor appt, just me and the girls...no daddy. :( It's her first shots, and I'm so not looking forward to those eyes welling up with tears and looking at me like, "why did you let this happen to me????" Ugh...boy...SO need a glass of wine to comprehend all that life is offering up to me right now. I need a workout bad.

There's something unbelievably sweet looking down at an innocent little baby snuggling up against her mama without a care in the world. Those beautiful long eyelashes fluttering and her gummy mouth smiling as she dreams about happy things. She doesn't care about crazy barking dogs, her sister's fits or howling winds. I shouldn't say she doesn't care....she just doesn't let it effect her in the least. I think her mom could take a lesson from her. Not to say this little beauty of mine doesn't have her moments of impatience but she wants to smile at everything because everything to her in her new little life is way cool.....especially 5:22am, every morning ;-). Did I just insert a "winky" face??? WOW, how positive of me! Haha....
I truly have no complaints about either one of my girls....just a few moments of insanity throughout the day, but hell, that's as good as it gets, and I'm happy with that.

Spent

I always look forward to daddy coming home. Today especially since Hayden, my love....you have been so fussy today. Not sure what is going on with you but I'm guessing it has something to do with the noises coming from your diaper area. ;). I want so bad to be able to handle the mild chaos all day long but I'm not perfect and at the end of the day I'm just spent and so very thankful to have my husband on my side. I know he's tired from being at work all day then going to fight the crazy grocery store crowds...so him helping out with you girls is a true gift to me and I am eternally grateful for having daddy in my life.

Funny thought for today that was inspired by Natalie. Imagine if when people didn't want the item they were holding, or saw something better and just threw it down where they stood and kept walking. That is your phase right now Natalie....playing with something and throw it down for something else. You don't get away with it but it is kinda funny. Just the thought of someone in the grocery store picking up a box of cereal...."naaah..." then throws it down and keeps walking. Perfect example of why parents have to discipline their kids....cause if we didn't the world would be a messy place. :)

Vent, vent, vent....

It's hard enough being a parent...having to discipline your kids when they are acting up...when you think you know what's best because you are with them everyday, experiencing all that they do...then someone with all good intentions, I'm sure, has to step in and "help you out" without you wanting or even needing that help. I feel as though my parenting toes are being stepped on, and being treated as though I don't exist. I believe that it confuses my child when they hear one thing from me and another from someone else. It almost takes the respect that my child has for me away because she sees me being spoken over by someone else's point of view. I don't like this.
I don't think some people actually realize what they are doing to me mentally. All my life I've had doubt put in my head about all kinds of things and I just am not going to allow that anymore. I don't think anyone should step in and try to "help" the situation, when they only make things worse. I'm sick of getting all caught up in the craziness....sick of letting it effect me because then it effects my surroundings and the people I love.
My child is happy, tells me every day that she loves me, and well...that's all that matters to me.

Outdoor fun!

Today was Hayden's first true exploration experience outside! She was in the baby bjorn looking at trees and cars and would every once in a while look back at me to make sure mommy was still attached to her :)
The girls and I have had a much better day today and it wasn't what I expected when I woke up on the wrong side of the dungeon this morning. :(. But girls, both of you turned it around for me. Natalie with your sweet support and participation in my workout and Hayden with your baby chatter and smiley face that we are seeing more and more of. :) Just looking at the two of you I noticed how big y'all are getting! My little women :'-)
I see the way you little beauties look at me with such love and contentment and it makes me hope that I never die. I never want to put the look of sadness or heartbreak on those happy little faces. You are my world and the loves of my life.
XOXO
Mommy

oh my

"Exhaustion" doesn't even cover it. What a crazy life I have weaved for myself! But I love it. I have moments of OMG...and moments of total bliss. This weekend was total chaos. So many things going on for me...and I can't handle it sometimes...well, I think I can't but ultimately I do. I have a hard time with being rushed constantly. Being somewhere at a certain time just throws me for a loop. I've always kinda been that way but now I have 3 people to get ready, not just one. Learning how to handle my stress and breathe through it is the key to my success as a mom, wife and person.
Doing something each day for myself is another important factor. Working on getting the baby weight off plus 20 is proving to be difficult but I can't and won't stop till I get to where I want to be. I refuse to let myself go, even in times of stress. Last night I felt so stressed that I emotionally ate close to 25 m&ms...UGH...I was so disgusted with myself and just decided that I was going to be better today and I have been struggling but doing MUCH better.

It's taking a while to get Hayden set on a schedule, she goes back and forth and I'm just hoping that she will soon be sleeping all the way through the night. What a blessing that will be. until I'm kinda running on fumes, literally....but at least I'm running. That's for me and only me and I really like everything about it....including the pain. :)