Centered...sort of

I woke up this morning, and just laid there thinking that the best thing for me to do was get some workout clothes on and in silence, do some yoga moves that I learned. I spent 20 minutes toning and centering myself....stretching out my muscles. I feel SO much better than I normally do when I get up. It almost feels like I've been awake for a few hours! It's amazing...8 yoga moves, repeated twice...and I am centered...well as centered as I can get. I'm even looking forward to my run in a little while...even though I'm still sore from my bootcamp beat down yesterday.

Yesterday I was feeling much better and decided to do a treasure hunt for Natalie. While she was in her room during nap time I got silver confetti and made arrows and clues...even a treasure map! I told her a fairy pirate (uh huh) came in really fast and left it all for her! She followed the map and found her treasure! A sparkly bracelet! She kept asking if we could do it all again. Needless to say she loved it! I love her happiness and her excitement...makes the world go 'round. :)

Better

I got up before the sun this morning, without cussing too much, got my clothes on and headed to bootcamp. I was more optimistic about putting my all into it. Just so happens that today was a REALLY tough one. First time in a long time that I've wanted to punch our trainer in the face, but you know...I needed it. One thing that keeps me going is knowing that when my body finally decides to drop the weight there will be these amazing ripped muscles hiding underneath. :) If I can't be a thinner me at least I can see that I'm definitely getting toned. Helps me breathe a sigh of relief when I look in the mirror.

Was re-reading some old diary entries from a few years ago and they were so obsessive....so hopeful and so optimistic even on the bad days. I guess the biggest thing that I took from them was that I have always been so positive, even during the dark days. I never really noticed that before, but it was definitely a revelation. After I put the girls down for their naps I laid down in my bed and looked at old photos and reminisced. So by the time the girls got up I had sort of recharged. Natalie and I painted, and then as Hayden played with me and was grabbing my lips and laughing I was even more recharged. My sweet girls just want their mommy happy. I think they are the crazy and the absolutely fantastic part of my life. The balance is what really matters. Balance, Lori...balance.

Blog Break

Seems like I'm chest deep in gabba gabba land today. Sometimes I think this crap fries my brain. So, here I am to take a blog break while Natalie learns how to "get the wiggles out" and watch kids ride around on 2 headed chickens with fins. If you have kids, you know exactly what I'm talking about, everyone else is probably like, "WTH?"
I'm tired of reporting that I am having yet ANOTHER rough day. I can't wait for the day when I can be like, "YEA! Awesome day today!!!!" That WILL be an awesome day. I wish I didn't have all this stress and crazy body image obsession. How the hell am I supposed to teach my daughters to have a great body image if their mom doesn't??? I've had it, what seems like, my whole life. ALWAYS wishing I was thinner. ALWAYS wanting to be like my friends. It seemed like a total unattainable goal. Finally I succeeded at my lifetime goal and got to spend time in a good place. I didn't think too much about my troubles and felt at peace with myself. Now I'm back in that dark place again and it's really annoying. Trying to concentrate on other things besides the "voices" is hard. It makes me feel like I'm in a hole that is taking a LONG time to dig out of. It's SO easy to go the other way and let bad food'" take care of me. I can definitely see how people can just let themselves go, because it's just SO hard. Luckily I have a string or two of hope and determination to keep me going for now. Everyone says "be patient"...but unless you've walked a mile in my shoes you really don't know how you would react. Yea, it's not a horrible problem like, I'm homeless or have a terminal illness, but not having the peace of mind that I had once before, knowing how amazing that felt, is completely awful for me. I'm working through it....taking care of my girls and trying to live my life without feeling like I'm just existing. I sound like a broken record but this blog is my therapy...kinda like my private diary...that I just happen to publish to the public.
This body image obsession is bad for a reason, and I just have to find the root of it and remember that there is always time for change. All I want for my girls is for them to be happy. I want them healthy and to understand that any form of exercise is good and that eating a balanced diet and using moderation is the way to go. NO diets in my house! I am never negative about exercise, I do love it and they know that. I hope they grow up knowing it's just a way of life. Girls, I want you to know that I will never obsess about what you are eating. I will never say anything, even in jest when it comes to your bodies because I know what lasting effects it can have on a person. Trust in the fact that I have your best interests at heart and all mommy can do is teach you what I've learned and hope that you will see yourselves in a positive light. I love you both!

Going strong.....I think

Still doing decently well with my "something new" and hoping I can keep going strong. Today was bootcamp and I dunno if it was too early for me or if it was a total lack of the energy that I normally have. To top it off there were two new girls who are determined to be better than me. I could smell it. Truthfully it's only supposed to be a competition with yourself, not others.....and today, I just sucked. Even though I really like the diversity of the workouts, I am counting down the weeks I have left. My success is in changing things up so who knows what I will be into when BC is done! I love my Gymbox on our Boxee Box. Yea, don't try to understand that, unless you got one. :) SO many different classes each week that will keep me burnin'!
I'm on the fence about continuing to run full time. Not sure it's because I'm bored of it but I think it's just my personality, I love change. I have no doubt I will run every week for the rest of my life for a nice stress release, but I do plan on spending a lot more time on yoga and pilates. Both of them make me feel so tight, long and lean...it's kind of addicting. When you have a busy 3 year old and an even busier (and teething) 4 month old, some quiet and breathing in deep while you tone your muscles is pretty awesome.
Hayden has started these new sounds. Instead of the constant "mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm" whine that she loved SO very much...it's a lot more babble and squeals. I have to say that even though it's kinda loud, I like it a lot better. :) Natalie always says, "what she sayin?" I hate to tell her but Hayden is constantly squealing to get her attention. She wants her talking or playing with her and gets mad when Nat doesn't come running. :) Wonder if that's a window to their future? I hope Natalie is as good with her in the days, months and years to come as she is now. They get closer by the minute and Natalie already tells her "you are my best friend in the whole wide world" :'-) Makes me so happy to see them SO happy. Life is just so go go go on most days, but I love it when we can all just take a breather and laugh, it's the best moments of my life. Being a mom is tough, especially when you are a mom who continues to work hard on yourself along with everyone else. I can't imagine my life any different though, no matter how crazy my mind feels, it's definitely where I'm meant to be.

Something new, is nothing new

I'm trying something new. I started yesterday and am nervous that I won't follow through. That has always been the trend for me. I try something new and it gets hard or it gets to be something I don't necessarily want to do and I just quit. I just have to stick it out because I am different, I surprisingly see things through more often now.

This weekend was crazy. I feel so overwhelmed, exhausted and drained. I feel like my husband and I need to spend a week on a beach alone to re-energize. It's definitely not time to do so, but one day soon we will find ourselves there and we will be all the better for it and so will our girls.

Natalie finally started to understand how to say her "L" sound! She was saying it as if it were a "W." So last night I taught her how to say it correctly and she got it! No more "Nataweeee"....I will miss that, but I'm sure I haven't heard the last of it!

I sometimes feel weird for being who I am. I guess I think I'm not the norm. Isn't that good though? We are all supposed to be different, otherwise life would be so boring. I don't believe in SO many things the people closest to me do. I am an overprotective mother who survives on a good napping schedule. There are some things that effect the way I think but there are other things that are just built in and I'm ok with that. So why do I feel "weird" sometimes? I think that all my life I've wanted to fit in. I wanted to be like people who were perceived to be "cool" or "popular"...young and old alike. Never discovering my own identity. Here's the simple truth...I like myself. I like looking in the mirror because I feel like sometimes I see a pretty woman. Having moments like that all throughout my life should have constituted me having a healthy self esteem...but it didn't. Anytime I stand next to someone who I think is probably judging me, I feel less confident and like an ugly duckling....SO ridiculous...but something that I just can't seem to get past. I really, really have to work on facing the fear of standing next to someone looking at my reflection next to theirs and realizing we are different and no matter who is standing there, Fiona the Ogre or Jessica Biel....I am still beautiful in my own way. I have to learn this for the sake of my daughters. They must be confident within themselves.....because their mom is.

Morning Reflection...and Coffee

Taking this opportunity to blog while my girls are asleep. I'm so over trying to type with one hand while feeding, doing a puzzle, or peeling a banana.

I had a rough night of NON-sleep last night. I'm not sure if it was a late dinner (protein shake) or what, but it was not good. Could be a combination of the dumb idea to eat an hour before bed (we were at a baseball game and I didn't want to eat junk) and stuff that was on my mind.

I was thinking about how I hope I'm never the type of parent who gets so wrapped up in themselves that they don't seem to have much interest in their child. It's really important to maintain your own identity, to do things for yourself, but as your child grows, I think people lose sight of the fact that the interest needs to remain. Maybe it's because some parents just forget to live in the moment and really soak up the experiences they have with their kids. Things seem to always look better in the future to some. Another theory is that some parents struggle with finding their own identity and just forget about their "little people" even when they are grown.
I made a vow to myself to always tell my girls how proud I am of them, to be interested in their daily lives and make sure they know that they have my support. I never want them to struggle to understand why I am the way that I am and just feel confident that I have their backs no matter what the situation. There is so much in life to stress about, the last thing they need is to question whether or not their parents really care about them over their own self.

I hear my baby crying and know that it's time to set my coffee aside to get cold, and I really don't mind. My need right now is to bask in the love and contentment of my girls and just forget the crappy night. With them comes a fresh start, a new day...and real unconditional love.