Deep thoughts...

Today I've been thinking...and thinking...and contemplating "things." One thing that I've been thinking about is, ready for it? Another baby. I totally think I have baby fever. I remember when I was trying to potty train Natalie, I couldn't WAIT for those diapers to go away!! I was pregnant with Hayden at the time and the thought of double diaper duty was exhausting me. Thankfully I had a 5 or so month break before I had to start over. :) Now, I love diapers. I love the new diaper smell and how my baby Hayden feels so clean and fresh and ready to take on the world after a quick change. I was crying yesterday, cleaning out her clothing drawer. Taking out onesies and tiny t-shirts that don't fit anymore. I couldn't believe that the onesie phase is coming to a close...ALREADY. I love baby baths and baby toys and the cute little baby clothes. I love baby discovery and baby moods. Recently, as you might have discovered while reading my posts, I have had some CA-RAZY days. As I told my husband, I am overwhelmed most days but in love with my babies every day. There is something so amazing surrounding yourself with these little people who adore and love you no matter how crappy you think you are. On the other side, I look at Natalie and already feel bad that I can't devote my whole self to her at all times. I'm not very good at spreading myself thin. I'm not a great home manager. So what am I thinking???? 3 Kids would be wild and "zoo-like" for me personally. Some people are FANTASTIC at raising multiple kids, but I dunno how strong this mom is. I want my kids growing up the happiest and most fulfilled as possible so I'm not really sure adding one more would be the best decision I could make. Sadly, I know that my husband would LOVE another child. He loves kids, especially his own and I think it would warm his heart to have a big family. The THIRD side (apparently this topic is a triangle) is the process of trying to get pregnant. It would take everything I have to devote myself to fertility help. It was almost too much to bare last time. I would hope that with all I've been doing lately to improve my health, that maybe it wouldn't be so horrific this time around. OOOOOh...boy. I have a lot more thinking to do !! :) I think all this started when yesterday, I got Hayden up from her nap and she wrapped her little arms around my neck, put her head on my shoulder and gave me the best baby hug EVER. I almost melted into a puddle of happy goo on her floor! I had no problems, no worries and more love than I could've ever hoped for. I LOVE YOU, girls!!!! More than ANYthing!!! XO Mom